29 november (late evening)
Argh. Why is the world so crappy? Most people are evil and stupid. Most. Anyway, goodbye Madness Revisited.
27 november (late evening)
I'm listening to Blade Runner Blues by Vangelis off the 1492 OST :-B. Anyway, that should tell what kind of mood I have. Two nasty things happened to me today and one funny synchronicity incident. One nasty thing is that I'm not going to Holland to write EU civil law. Damn. The other is that I found out that Non, ce n'est pas possible pour toi.
The funny incident is that I bought a copy of the magazine and found my picture with 3 other guys, we were the only people pictured who weren't celebrities and in the same magazine there was a picture of a fairly good female friend of mine with her jazz artist father. Might sound like nothing to you but it's fairly synchronicitical for me.
I've been playing Metal Gear Solid for the last couple of days, I've almost finished it, nice game but the graphics are not very good (booted from the PSX) and the play area isn't very large. Sort of like a poor man's Deus Ex. But still excellent since Deus Ex is one of the best/largest/most interesting/developed games I've ever played.
26 november (late evening)
The bad week continues. I composed Vampires Also Cry on the 22nd whilst watching Blade. Yesterday was fairly interesting as I went out at 1:30am and did some mild drinking until 5am. Totally exhausted I went to sleep but two friends of mine went with two girls they had met at the bar to their home. One friend left at 10am (they were drinking till 9am) after letting in one of the girl's husband to the flat where they had been partying. Ha. I've supposedly got a photo in a major Polish magazine (drinking at a bar, take a look here for details). I'm waiting for some job options to materialise, thinking about whether to buy a Boss suit or to get one tailored, waiting for love to shine in my life and thinking about why it doesn't.
The above fits in nicely with Funky Shit Happens, that's the title of a track I composed on Saturday but haven't bothered to put up yet.
On a side note, I'm going to delete out my Run DMC theme site soon as it bores me utterly.
Oh yeah, please visit my song and story sites, they're excellent :-).
22 november
What an awful goddamn week. Nothing else really to add. Well apart from the fact that I haven't felt so bad since the 18th of August and God was that a bad day. Well, my own fault. Shouldn't be so impetuous.
I'm watching Blade now. Sometimes I feel like a vampire. A good-hearted one but:
a) I sleep during the day,
b) I'm very detached from normal society,
c) I sometimes feel very superior.
Yeah, I'm a bastard. And deserve to die.
21 november (late evening)
Paint it black. No Egypt for me this year.
I've uploaded all my short stories to getoutthere.bt.com .Maybe somebody will read them. And appreciate them.
21 november
So why haven't I been writing anything? Well I thought I was going to have a great week last week and was waiting for it to materialise. It didn't. I hate being built-up and then having my hopes miserably crash down. This happened on a professional and emotional front last week. And I had such a good mood... I really should listen to the voice of wisdom that always tells me to expect the worst, then you won't be disappointed and you might just end up pleasantly surprised.
Rumination: Life is a bitch and gives with one hand and takes away with a baseball bat in the other.
Rumination: Still be happy to be alive because you're living a wonderful life.
Rumination: Eating cheese before going to sleep can give you some weird dreams.
Rumination: Leaving the window open at night makes your dreams a lot cooler (objectively and figuratively).
I'm listening to the songs I've composed during the last couple of weeks before sending them to a publisher. You can get most of them from mp3.com completely for free. Or get them from getoutthere.bt.com, in fact I'd prefer you to download from this site as your downloads might help me one day get my songs aired. I'll be adding my fiction to that site in time...
13 november
I've put up Polish Psycho, my short story magnus opus on my short story page. It might need some slight polishing. Basically it's American Psycho set in the modern Warsaw and has many references to people and places I know. IT IS NOT AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL. NO!
13 november (Early Morning)
How I love reinstalling Windows. Luckily I didn't have to do it on my computer (which would take 2 days) but on a friend's (5 hours).
Rumination: Its a pity more people don't listen to the songs I've composed, they're supposedly quite good... Or read my stories... Or email me about this page. Please tell me what you think about the creative artistic works I've linked to above. Oh, Diz, thanks for your comments :-)
9 november
Some SOB spiked my beer with some drug yesterday. I was freaking completely drunk after 3 beers (and I've been less drunk on bottles of whiskey). I won't even mention how my friend felt, suffice to say she didn't go to work today. I'm going to hunt that person down.
Well the double sleeping on the couch was nice anyway :-). And I experienced incredible synchronicity with the aforementioned friend, I had spent the previous couple of hours writing a cv for my ex-girlfriend and she had been writing a cv for her ex-boyfriend. Freaking.
I went to the graveyard again today.
I've finished Polish Psycho, an epic tale of materialism and sadism set in fin de siecle Warsaw. All of 8 pages long :-).
I might have a job offer soon. Or job offers. I hope I get to choose between an academic career (less $ now but a lot more in the future) or an office job (well I'll buy a car).
5 November
Visited the graveyard today. Ouch. At least my mother died young and beautiful and left something worthwhile behind. I hope I'll be able to. If we're here for a purpose, why aren't we realising it?
4 november (early morning)
Give me a reason to love you. Give me a reason to be a woman...So don't you stop being a man... No matter if you cry.
2 november
Certainly not a sweet evening, simply bitter.
Under the bridge
1 November (early morning)
Don't go and put a bullet in your head. Just turn your life around instead. Sweet, sweet Jane. Jesus, I haven't had such a bitter-sweet evening for a long long time. Damn.
I like hearing that I'm a real man, a real gentleman, a member of a dying breed. But why are we dying out, is evolution eliminating us? I'm not the man that my grandfather or great-grandfather was.
I'm making my stand against mediocrity, against conformity, against egoism. Pity I won't be able to pass that on to another generation.
Oh, never mind, better to love and lose then to never love. Not.
30 october (early morning)
Illusions, delusions, who am I kidding?
30 october (early morning)
I had an extremely active weekend. I met a lot of people on Friday and during the evening:
a) danced with a waiter, - which was interesting
b) drank copiously, - though not to excess
c) got treated like a jerk, - which was undeserved
d) got treated jerkily by a jerk, - didn't he see that I'm a psycho :-)
e) had a friend treat me badly, - which is a pity and he's not somebody I'm going to trust in the future, friends should always support each other,
f) spent lots of time communicating at a very strange time of day. - respect to Baz/Chris/Diz and a certain friend of mine. Help me get through the evening.
I've been listening to Sweet Sweet Jane from the Natural Born Killers soundtrack over and over again.
Saturday had me drinking and dancing again with a certain special person.
I spent Sunday eating and resting after the excesses of the last week.
Not a very intellectual weekend but very emotional and quite physical. Fun.
28 october (early morning)
Oh my God, how I try in this institution, oh I pray, oh my God how I pray. Does everybody around me how to be a shit? What's going on? I said hey, what's going on?
26 october (late evening)
An extremely bitter-sweet day. I had an extremely pleasant dream in the morning which I hope will be realised soon. I found out I was a jerk but at the same time I know I'm a minor category of jerk and sometimes quite a gentleman to boot. I spent a lot of time thinking, some time drinking and a little time flirting. Ha.
Basically I feel like I'm 17 years old and I don't know what to do. Good luck to me.
24 october (late evening)
Boring and worrying day. Anyway I met a group of more intelligent and more experienced lawyers today. Depressing. Maybe I'll give up on my PhD. I've been working on a major new story, which will be ready soon. I've got an idea for a new sci-fi book. I've also been reading the Dune Preludes, House Atreides and House Harkonnen, they are so bad that I can't bother to make a detailed critique but in short:
a) they are very badly written,
b) they contradict Herbert's books obviously (and I read them about 2 years ago), i.e. I remember reading that Baron Harkonnen let himself be seduced and had experimented with many pleasures in his time so he slept with a woman (Dune), I am now told he was black-mailed into impregnating a Bene Gesserit,
c) they are boring,
d) where Herbert's heroes are deeply complicated, beautifully described and cunning and intelligent individuals, his son couldn't describe Spot the Dog's motivations with conviction.
Have a look here, you'll find some Hanson songs I commented on during a bored-to-piss-why-not-take-the-piss-I-hate-Hanson phase.
23 october
I saw a film about not being able to cheat death today. I've cheated death twice during the last year. Scary. Which gets me to thinking:
a) thank God for the wonderful life you're leading,
b) do something worthwhile in your life, you only go around once, so leave something behind, something that only you can leave behind, something that contains your essence. My current memorial is this page and my short stories.
The things I've written in Polish Psycho scare me. I'm not a psycho but if you read it you might think I am.
I've spent the last four days drinking, dreaming, dissolving and dissecting my feelings and emotions.
Thursday's events confirmed that you have to have rules in life that you stick to through thick or thin or a moment of weakness could ruin you. Fortunately for me my conscience and honor saved me from something that I would have deeply regretted, but another friend of mine lost his driving license and went through a regrettable experience. There were moments of high irony, as I communicated with a female friend on my cellular whilst others were discussing a certain business relationship with negotiable female friends. I spent hours walking around without money, keys or documents as a result of these negotiations (I left my wallet - which contains a copy of the Samurai Korokoe and cell phone in a car which got towed away by the police) until a friendly bar saved the rest of the evening for me. I had the moral high ground and am extremely pleased with my actions.
Friday had me drinking and discussing morality, mortality and melancholy with a friend while being flirted with by a gay waiter. Ouch. I am course an out-of-the-closet heterosexual. I almost watched the Golota/Tyson fight. Golota isn't a Pole, he's a cowardly bully and thug. He's exactly the opposite of a true Pole, as epitomised by my ancestors, officers/warriors/celebrated intellectuals/articulate gentlemen/war and resistance heroes. A pity I don't live up to their standards but none of us are the men are grandfathers were. I also saw a film about a young French juvenile delinquent. His character was almost the total opposite of myself:
a) he steals, I'm painfully honest,
b) he's an idiot, I'm not,
c) he has no honor, I at least try to be honorable,
d) he was handsome and well-built, I'm not,
e) he had problems with expressing himself, I'm fairly articulate.
Saturday I spent at a small party drinking beer, talking the talk, wondering "What am I doing here?". I also wrote part of Polish Psycho, a story in which I and my friends play cameo roles. It will be a shortened fin de siecle Polish equivalent of American Psycho, about materialist, soul-destructive life in Warsaw at the end of the 20th century. Don't expect it to be too long.
18 october (late evening)
Overwhelmed by melancholy, feeling sad and happy at the same time, ouch, what are these the symptoms of? I think I know. What do you think, a prize for the first correct answer.
16 october
Suffered slight synchronicity today. And I'm in a good mood simultaneously feeling slightly sad. Ah well, you can't have everything. Bob Marley has a song about it, actually two songs. Guess which ones.
15 october (late evening)
a) This one goes out to the one I love,
b) This one goes out to the one I've left behind.
I am exhausted having been practising with my katana and working out.
15 october
I put up a short story, it reflects my Dustin-o-universal-centric theory of existence. I had a couple of dreams today:
a) one was a romantic sop piece,
b) one was about a journey up a mountain and the struggle with the elements (snow, wind and cold), I was fighting to save a life,
c) one was about a snowboarding school.
Now in a massive case of synchronicity, I today saw a film about b) and I was awakened from c) by the guy who I was dreaming about (no I'm not gay, he's my cousin and I was dreaming that he was having doubts about using a certain piece of training apparatus). If a) comes true then you don't exist and all is a dream or I'm God or God has a sense of humor.
14 october (early morning)
A psychologist reading my short stories or this ruminations page would probably become extremely worried about the state of my mental health. Just to put things in perspective, I am not going to pop myself or anyone else off. Don't worry!
13 October
Another new story up, read it and then take a look at this. I had a really black mood today. Combine this with an accidental synchronicity between the words of the song and a line a friend gave me and this story had to be written.
10 October
Slightly feverish, don't know if its the weather's or emotions fault. I had a good day today until I found out that I was a jerk. The link leads to a Polish bar review page where a girl I used to like (see 8th October below) wrote that the only good thing that I did for her was to take her to this bar. Which hurt. So I went for a drink to the bar and had a very nice time with the staff who all know and love me :-). Anyway the good things were:
a) I'm officially a PhD student,
b) I saw a great kung-fu film where I learnt: No matter what path you take in life, always be true to yourself (and then the hero died).
8 OCTOBER
This week has been...um... massive I think is an apt word. Or interesting. Or freakin' unbelievable:
I had to do something that I regret as a result of something that I don't regret doing.
I comforted and was comforted.
I suffered from incredible synchronicity (lets just say the word babies, break-ups, ex-girlfriends, new friends all gets mixed up in one stewing pot.).
I was told that I was a soul-mate.
I discovered an unrelated twin (not the same person as above).
I met a couple of creeps and a couple of wonderful persons.
Woowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I mixed a garage version Je Ne Regrette Rien for my own pleasure, email me if you want a copy. And I wrote another short story which still isn't up on the net as I'm having some file problems.
6 OCTOBER (EARLY MORNING)
Much respect to the Szpilki posse.
Well today I learnt that Carpe Diem should be modified by, But ware the future, don't fear it, just don't screw it up totally.
Blooming heck.
For Hanna:
I don't want to ever feel like I did that day...
Take me to the place I love.
3 OCTOBER
I got pissed on absinthe yesterday. I was drinking it with vodka, liquers and Japanese beer. I must be suicidal. Anyway I've written another two short stories (or rather one short story and a chapter of a novel). I have a new page containing my short stories.
1 October
I wrote a short story today based on a beginning sentence that a friend gave to me. Thanks Gocha. Warning, its a piece of vicious dark humour about a copywriter. Die scum. Both Gocha and Edward Bunker inspired me to write the story. Edward Bunker is an ex-con, turned writer. Intelligent, widely read, he has a dark side to his character that I can relate to. Here is a copy of an email I wrote to him:
I'm sure you receive many such emails, but I must thank you for inspiring me to start writing. I haven't published yet but Mr Blue has convinced me that my talent shouldn't be wasted. Despite being only 24, a law-school graduate, born to an affluent family, I feel that you and I are alike in many ways. I attended very strict schools, have had problems with figures of authority ("prima-donna" i.e. "a proud character" ), score high on IQ tests and have always found writing and reading a real pleasure. Instead of reading in a cell, I read at home, on the subway, on the bus, at work, during lunch-breaks, in the bathroom, in bed, any time I can. I even prefer reading to sex (well, sometimes). Despite being told that I have a talent for writing on many occasions (ironic biting black humour is my preferred style), I have always been too lazy to start writing professionally. Instead I wrote humorous emails or a semi-daily web-diary ( www.medianet.pl/~dustin/ruminations ). Mr Blue has however inspired me to start writing short stories, the first couple of which I've finished and am in the process of polishing before submitting them for publication. Thank you for inspiring me.
I don't believe in Astrology but here are some descriptions from Yahoo's astrology section:
(I'm Aquarius or Capricon, 20 January 1976, for the purposes of the below I've been using Aquarius)
Career options:
For a lone wolf, the Water Bearer sure likes to have a lot of people around. Aquarians are humanitarians above all else, idealistic in their beliefs and ardent pursuers of causes. Non-profit organizations and trade unions would be a natural for them -- anything that will help the greater good. This unconventional rebel-with-a-cause cares so deeply about his fellow man that the quest for knowledge and answers is never-ending. The mentally-quick Water Bearer enjoys a challenge and anything at a rapid-fire pace, whether it's a team meeting or a battle of bantering wits. Aquarians are firm in their beliefs -- they've spent plenty of time thinking about them -- and are bound to get the job done. Their inquisitive nature always has them considering what's new, different and mysterious and how these things can help people in the future. Is the Water Bearer a pioneer or a renegade? Perhaps a bit of both, but there's no doubting that they see the world in their own unique way! The old "company man" mold is given a firm boot by Aquarians. To them, that world is inconceivable, a total waste of resources. The Water Bearer wants no boundaries and to be able to continually push the envelope -- now that's living! And working, since it's part of the plan. Aquarians will spend countless hours mulling over the possibilities for a project and may even come up with some startling conclusions, but it's all in a day's work. And it's never boring! A dull day is a nightmare for the energetic Water Bearer. The Aquarius office is probably Zen-like in character, with a low working table and cushions all around for its occupant and guests (remember, everyone is an equal member of the team). That futuristic clock in the corner was probably made by the Water Bearer. An electric car or the newest Beetle would provide loads of fun and make for a handy-dandy way to get to lunch at an avant garde spot with stunning world food and delectable Rainforest Crunch. Aquarians are well-suited as inventors, politicians, writers, scientists, astronauts, artists and, you guessed it, astrologers!
Hmm...I'm a lawyer
Miscellaneous information:
Skips chocolates altogether -- they prefer a box of carob, with raisins.
I love CHOCOLATE
The encompassing Age of Aquarius has you reveling in everything from the voyages of the Star Trek crew to the madcap gaiety of That 70's Show. Seriously wanting to change the world, though, you also tune into the news to find new causes to champion.
I like black comedy and sci-fi...
The visionary Water Bearer will be partaking in the latest new sport before anyone has even heard of it, and the sports will be of the extreme variety like snowboarding, surfing, wind surfing, sky diving or bungee jumping.
I like snowboarding...
Here are some places you might like: · Costa Rica · Dallas · Greece · India
· Mexico · New York City · Venezuela
No, I don't want to visit those places.
Unconventional and scientific, Aquarius will enjoy books that are as out there as they are. Science fiction, fiction and adventure are moving along with you at warp speed into the new millennium and beyond. Check out the classic works of Ray Bradbury, Robert Heinlein and Aldous Huxley for your glimpse at the future.
Well, I love science-fiction.
The Water Bearer's favorite goal is to change the world. You've already worn out several copies of the Hair soundtrack, as you like to listen to music based on an era where everyone was trying to make the world a better place for unity. From the ,Grateful Dead to the Allman Borthers, you are now likely to be an avid fan of Phish.
I don't want to change the world and I like to listen to Fun Lovin' Criminals, Freestylers and Cypress Hill.
Weird, futuristic, idealistic and anything different will be occupying the mind of the Water Bearer. Try Back to the Future, The Matrix or 2001, if you haven't already! You'll also want to check out that artsy new flick playing at the art cinema.
I like the Matrix and weird films so the above is accurate.
Books or magazine subscriptions, technological gadgets, a diving watch, music, scuba-diving lessons, socks, a nice pen, walkman, yoga classes, science-fiction or fantasy books, sky-diving or windsurfing lessons, a bead necklace, rock-climbing gear, incense, a cell phone or beeper, Internet access, socks.
I like the above gadgets but those listed for other signs are also appropriate presents for me...
Go snowboarding together, play a virtual-reality game, go to the zoo, go to a political rally, go to a conference, take a midnight hike in the forest, go skinny dipping, cook sushi together, go to an interactive art exhibit, go skydiving, go camping, take a yoga class together, go rock-climbing indoor or outdoor, go for dinner at a really foreign food place, go parasailing, fly a kite together, go to an air show
The above date ideas are cool, but so are those for other signs.
The below is from Chinese astrology (1976):
Slay this Dragon? Never. The Dragon is one of the most powerful signs in the Chinese Zodiac. Lucky as well, Dragons are giving, intelligent and tenacious, know exactly what they want and are determined to get it. Further, they can easily influence their peers and often find themselves the center of attention in social situations. As if all this wasn't enough, Lady Love is the Dragon's best friend! The rest of the Dragon's friends are always keen to hear what this firebrand has to say, and when it comes to dispensing advice, the Dragon has the floor. It's ego that can get in the Dragon's way, but even so, this larger-than-life creature has a knack for initiating projects and keeping the troops motivated. According to Dragons, it's their natural born right to lead the way! As luck would have it, Dragons are likely to achieve considerable material wealth during their lifetime, although they aren't motivated by pursuit of the almighty dollar.
Rather, they stick to their guns, even when they're firing blanks. That said, Dragons are quite the opportunists, forever searching for ways in which to consolidate their considerable power. And power it must be, for a weakened Dragon is a sad sack, a creature which flails about and refuses to take defeat with even a modicum of grace. Question authority? That's our Dragon! The role of leader is the only one the Dragon wants, the better to give orders and be king of the hill. They are good leaders, too, knowing instinctively what needs to be done to stay on top. Crossing the Dragon is never a good idea -- this beast can singe! A valuable life lesson for this clever creature would be to absorb the principles of flexibility, compassion and tolerance. Being high and mighty can serve to inspire others, but it also keeps Dragons from living their life to the fullest. If Dragons can learn to balance their quest for success with an appreciation for the little things, their life will be more than worthwhile. The most compatible match for a dragon is a monkey or rat.
The below is from a web palm reading:
You are intelligent and practical, very likely to have a good memory and the ability to make and follow plans. Leadership skills are among your useful traits.
At times, you may tend to be overly sensitive to criticism. You can be excessively cautious or narrow in your outlook unless you receive the right kind of encouragement.
You have so many interests that you may have trouble deciding which ones to pursue. This can become a problem when you allow yourself to be overly influenced by other people''s opinions.
The general flexibility of your character is a useful attribute. At certain times in your life, you may have romantic conflicts and difficulty maintaining friendships. You will overcome these problems after a little introspection.
There may be times in your life when you give in to feelings of sadness or depression.
You have the ability to detach your emotions from a situation and make objective decisions.
You are naturally charming and inclined to be flirtatious.
At certain times in your life, you may have romantic conflicts and difficulty maintaining friendships. These problems are not likely to last long.
There are inconsistencies in your energy level, possibly triggered by external factors or emotional changes.
You have a basically strong constitution, and should enjoy good health most of the time.
You were probably given a good start in life by your parents. This could be based on your general upbringing, or on physical characteristics you inherited.
No matter what other factors influence your personality, there is an under lying sense of practicality that you can draw on if you wish.
Fairly accurate but I'm not flirtatious. I believe the above to be possibly the most accurate as there could be genetic factors that affect both my physionomy and my psychology. That seems a lot more likely than the effects of distant stars (and anyway the astrological clock is out of sync).
BTW All of the above astrological writing is ambiguous, written in a way so that it can apply to anybody and I probably could have chosen a date and palm at random and found it disturbingly accurate (but then again I didn't bother to).
1 October
I'm so tired of playing with this bow and arrow,
Gonna give my heart away,
Leave it to the other girls to play,
For I've been a temptress too long,
Yes, give me a reason to love you,
Give me a reason to be a woman,
I just wanna be a woman.
29 September
During an altercation with 3 muggers today I was hit by a car. I am incredibly lucky to be alive. Only my youth and reflexes saved me. I felt no fear towards the muggers, I felt fear flying over the car's hood. I'm slightly hurt and bruised, but unbroken. I would react in the same way tomorrow. Fear is the little death, if you live in fear, you do not live, fear not any man for you are dead already if you do.
Thank you God for my life. I suspect a paradigm shift in my life will occur soon relating to this event. BTW If I have any internal injuries the doctor missed, this is my last rumination so... carpe diem, for you and I die tomorrow.
Who you trying to get crazy with ese? Don't you know I'm loco?
26 September (late evening)
Rumination: Is the subjective reception or objective event the most important factor for the experience of an event?
Bad to the bone...
BTW for the last three weeks I haven't had to sing "Is she really going out with him". Which the more astute gained from the above lyrical fragment and the hints in the previous entries... :-)
24 September (late evening)
I just saw Babe: Pig in the City. The script-writer and director must have been on LSD. The film is darker than Apocalypse Now and weirder than Delicatessen. Reminiscent of Mad Max, Twelve Monkeys and the aforementioned, if this is a children's movie, than I'm Brad Pitt AND Marlon Brando. I feel slightly fudged, but then again I have every right to. What a week.
Yabadabadoo!!!
+
Sometimes I don't feel like I have a partner.
Schizo.
23 SEPTEMBER (LATE EVENING)
I just switched the tv on and caught the end titles of Devil's Advocate. Paint it Black was blaring from the screen. Hmm, I'm a lawyer, I want to paint it black, I've been behaving like Al Pacino in the film. Synchronicity? BTW I AM NOT A SATANIST, unlike the Rolling Stones.
23 September (Late evening)
BAD TO THE BONE, BAD TO THE BONE, I'M BAD TO THE BONE. BAAAAAADDDDDD.
23 September (Late evening)
Oh well, my prediction was correct, I bravely met my fate, got slightly depressed. But then I found out something very pleasant and my bad mood has gone. Until tomorrow that is, when I have to hurt somebody to save them from more hurt.
23 September
Massive hangover. Ouch. Well, I'm the Real Slim Shady, at least I was yesterday.
We ain't nothing but animals
I'll probably have a very bad mood today - so there might be some further announcements.
21 SEPTEMBER
Next week I'll have a job. That's what I'm supposed to say according to positive thinking theory. Okay, I'll test that.
Anyway, I'm getting a job to pay for a nice little car I've got my eyes on and to gain some more experience. No other reason really as I've got just about enough money to live and party on without one.
As usual I'm depressing myself with various sad love songs (Teardrops by Lovestation), happy love songs (Lovestation), hate songs (Kim by Eminem) and weird songs (Little Black Spiders by Armand Van Helden).
Just in case you're wondering the lyrics of Teardrops really due illustrate my situation, except I didn't betray anyone. Quite the opposite.
20 September (late evening)
Things to ruminate about:
a) Why do you always want something you can't have,
b) When you have it, you don't want it,
c) Why is the grass always greener on the other side of the fence,
d) It never rains, it pours. WHY? And that can refer to any event in life (both negative and positive).
Massive respect to Princess MT, somebody who never disses me, pity you don't read this page.
Single sentence lyrical extracts from some songs I've been listening to:
So forget it, coz I know you're not with it (Sounds of the Nu Skool Vol. 1).
You all ready for me to drop some science on your ass? (Mc Stephen Hawkins, brilliant mind, brilliant rap)
And the music don't feel like it did when I felt it with you (Lovestation, Soulsation and Nu Skool)
Ah, put it one more time... (Freestylers, We Rock Hard, also on Nu Skool)
That's it for now because Winamp has randomly chosen nr. 3 for a second time within 5 songs (a 100+ playlist) and that sort of coincidence shouldn't be sneezed at.
Footsteps on the dancefloor, reminds me baby of you, teardrops in me eyes, next
time I'll be true, whispers in the powder-room, she cries on every tune, when
I'm dancing round, reminds me baby of you, I really let you down, next time I'll
be true, and the music don't feel like it did, when I felt it with you,
footsteps on the dance floor, reminds me baby of you.
I've discovered that putting female black singers through my Soundblaster Live! Female to Male gives an excellent black r' n b' singer effect. Male to Female gives a crap chipmunk effect.
Yours, a slightly less depressed Dustin, waiting for another senryu attack to occur.
20 SEPTEMBER (EARLY MORNING)
I've been wondering whether there exists a purely axiomaticly based religion or life philosophy. Not built around tradition and history but around a simple set of basic axioms from which all else is a development that follows the laws of logic. I've also been wondering whether somebody has considered what axioms govern our universe and lives (or perhaps that's what science in general and physics in particular is all about...)
19 SEPTEMBER
I've got a moral hangover, I've been doing some fairly naughty things this week. I'm wondering why it is that girls like bad boys. Hmm. I'm hardly ever a bad boy but I'm in the mood to be one for a while. Well, I'll see how things go. I'm reading Joyce's Ulysses and some Robert Jordan books currently.
I've suffered several synchronicity episodes recently (including today). They serve to confirm:
a) that I create the universe around me in my own mind, I you don't really exist unless I've created you,
b) that my actions influence things happening to me to a greater degree than I can foresee,
c) that God like's his jokes,
d) that my analytical faculties are at fault and that I'm attaching to much importance to random statistically probable events.
13 September
I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
I see a line of cars and they're all painted black
With flowers and my love, both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a newborn baby it just happens everyday
I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door, I must have it painted black
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts
It's not easy facing up when your whole world is black
No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the setting sun
My love will laugh with me before the morning comes
I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
Hmm, hmm, hmm...
I wanna see it painted black, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun, blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black
Yeah
And the funny thing is that I'm in a good mood. I had an extremely pleasant dream today (one that I'll remember for a long time) and I've had generally a good day today. Maybe one day I'll record a cd containing all the music that has influenced or reflected my life.
9 September
It's Saturday but I feel like it's Sunday. I'm slightly bored and have been uploading tracks to mp3.com and some other sites. I'm fed up with the gits on Napster who just want to download and don't share. I found some of my own tracks on it though!
This week has been quite good, I'm only disappointed on one count though that might change tomorrow. My $$ is definitely a lot better than it was at the beginning of the week.
Time for some more intellectual ruminations:
What I really really really want:
a) become a professor of law,
b) write the ultimate cyberpunk novel,
c) write the ultimate modern novel,
d) write a song that tops the charts around the world.
I have this awful feeling that I could do all of the above if I wasn't a really lazy bastiche (apart from maybe c), the rest is easy :-)
8 September
Hope I fall in love soon :-).
4 September
It's 7 am and I've just finished partying. Well it was fun. Apart from one thing, I've only recently began to understand what a powerful emotion hatred is. I've only recently began to hate a few people. And it terrifies me. I hope I will never let hatred guide my actions but I'm worried that one day it might. Though then again I exercise extreme self-control over certain nastier aspects of my psyche (which I hope everybody else does but I know they don't). Kill, frag, destroy. A harmless outlet. Music is also an harmless outlet, I find I can only compose when I'm emotionally excited. I could probably compose an opus right now.
30 August
I'm in a fairly good mood which meant I couldn't mix any new songs up. 2 are available on www.mp3.com already :-). Anyway in order to spoil the rest of the day for myself:
Pretty women out walking with gorillas down my street
From my window I'm staring while my coffee grows cold
Look over there! Where?
There's a lady that I used to know
She's married now or engaged or something so I am told
Is she really going out with him?
Is she really gonna take him home tonight?
Is she really going out with him?
Cause if my eyes don't deceive me
Theres something going wrong around here...round here
Tonights the night when I go to all the parties down my street
I wash my hair and I kid myself I look real smooth Look over there! Where?
Here comes Amy with her new boyfriend
They say that looks don't count for much and so there goes your proof
Is she really going out with him?
Is she really gonna take him home tonight?
Is she really going out with him?
Cause if my eyes don't deceive me
There's something going wrong around here...around here
But if looks could kill
There's a man there who's more down as dead
Cause I've had my fill
Listen you, take your hands from her head
I get so mean around this scene
Is she really going out with him?
Is she really gonna take him home tonight?
Is she really going out with him?
Cause if my eyes don't deceive me
Theres something going wrong around here...around here
Something going wrong around here
Something going wrong around here
Something going wrong around
Joe Jackson (Goldfinger)
26 AUGUST (EARLY MORNING)
Thursday night was very long, I was partying from 9pm till 6am. Mean. I got up at 3pm today. It was fun and my hangover wasn't too bad. Sweet. This week has seen some opportunities, some fun times and has improved my mood generally after last week's macabre.
One thing was depressing though: A friend of mine has split up with his girl and is very distraught. I was his ex at the Thursday party. She's very pretty and a lot of fun. Quite of few of friend's "friends" were at the party and they went after her like starving wolves a bunny rabbit. I couldn't call somebody a friend if he were to do that to me (go after my ex knowing that I still loved her). Which is why I've stopped calling certain people friends (no this story is not a third person account of what happened to me, it concerns my friend).
But to as an upper, I was able to put one over a certain copywriter again.
24 AUGUST (EARLY MORNING)
I mixed a wave file last Friday/Saturday. Listening to it puts me in a good mood, but it's too large to put on my website. Mp3.com might put it up, I'll put a link if they do. Also a nice smell and sweet voice today and yesterday put me in a good mood. Setting myself up for another fall :-) Sucker. Throw in some synchronicity BTW.
Rumination: Clothes maketh the man. I'll be checking the truth of that this week as I've changed my look from Tony Hawk to Huey "Fun Lovin' Criminals". Well not completely. I've still got all my manga and skate shirts but I've got a lot of black gear. We'll see if Huey or Tony fits my personality better...
20 August (early morning)
How many account executives does it take to change a light-bulb?
17
One to electrise the campaign,
One to keep ahead of current events,
One to watch the copy-writers,
One to make the coffee,
One to answer cell-phone calls,
Three to have lunch,
Two with drug and alcohol hangovers to nurse,
The office tart,
The token gay,
The office informer,
3 juniors to do the dirty work.
19 August (Early morning)
I'd just to mention that advertising people are now my pet hate, above corrupt government officials, gangsters and pop bands.
You know the saying, "things can get only get better"? Well it's not true. They can get worse. A lot worse. I was physically sick today. Combined with a feeling of complete emptiness and smallness, a fever is an interesting thing indeed. But I felt better towards the evening and went to a club. The club was crap. The music was awful and the dj was a prat. I met some friends and talked for a while. Then I had an awful premonition. I dismissed it for a while and then decided to act to avoid what I had foreseen. God decided to make the premonition true at the very last minute. 30 seconds earlier or 30 seconds later I would not be so fucked up as I am now. Total synchronicity, total premonition, total life is a bitch. Sorry about my cussing.
18 AUGUST
I just remembered that I felt exactly the same way for a couple of days about 6 years ago. Something happened to me that really screwed me up (and I was high on coffee then, which I haven't drunk in any amount since then until yesterday. But its not the effect of coffee, I drank it after I stumbled into my well of despair yesterday). But it only lasted a couple of days (well weeks). I wonder if this phase will pass as quickly.
17 August (Later)
I've just realised that the my current mental state corresponds to that of the alien hero of Iain M. Bank's new book (Look to the Windward). The hero was totally empty, not caring whether he lived or died, through the loss of a loved one. Well, I feel the same currently. But no, I'm not planning to die. I'm just empty, have no emotional or heartfelt imperative to continue participating in this veil of tears. Just the knowledge that things will change (though my heart and mind disagree on this point). Though filled with bitterness, hatred and jealousy I just feel gutted, empty, void.
17 August
I haven't been doing anything too interesting recently. Apart from going on a weekend trip to the seaside and mixing some music files. I've been pretty bored actually. No new games, a load of bad books, some good music, pretty uneventful. I was on IRC yesterday looking for boring people to bore me and for a lack of them got pretty bored.
[That was what I wrote earlier in the day. This is what I feel at 2am]
Got some new senryu for you:
Kill, Destroy, Rend, Frag em,
Kill, Destroy, Frag.
Its probably the most vicious poem I've ever composed. It's not complicated, not too intellectual, but perhaps it can convey in part the utter feeling of hatred and despair that I am feeling. I haven't been so depressed since my 18th birthday or when I found out that my mother was dying. Truly. Its a pity that I can't cry anymore, because I would gladly cry my soul out (I haven't cried since my mother died 4 years ago). Sorry for depressing you. Especially Baz, congrats about the exams.
Hatred, loss, jealousy, despair combined are a heady mixture. I haven't even got drunk. I'm just listening to some music after going clubbing with a friend (I'm listening to Eminem's new album. If I were to start listening to RHCP I would probably end up slitting my wrists. Instead I'm heading for the blackness of anger and fury). The club we went to was crap but that isn't the reason I'm depressed.
Oh boy. It's time for a paradigm shift in my life. I've experienced two in my life. When I was 10 or 11 and when I was 18. My basic personality didn't change but my exterior behaviour did. Perhaps its time for an internal change. The thing is that I do like who I really am, my major problem is my relationship with girls. Which is surprising to some. I've changed from being shy,quiet and intelligent to loud and externally self-confident (11) and from being shy/loud and externally self-confident to shy/loud, funny and slightly more internally confident (18) but I'm being to shift back to my 11-18 externality. Which I don't want to. Alcohol doesn't change my personality much. I don't want to do drugs. The only thing I can do is increase my self-confidence both presented and felt. Which will require both internal pressure and external encouragement/reinforcement. Both of which are unlikely. Ouch, I've just put my essence into the public domain. But don't worry I'm not going to do something stupid. :-)
6 August
Nothing interesting to write about actually. I've been looking for a job and doing some translation work (freelance). Very boring week. Oh, I know what I'll write about, Croatia.
Croatia is an awful country to go on holiday in for these reasons:
a) it's damn expensive as compared to other more popular Mediterranean countries, Spain, Greece, Italy etc. That's very surprising but its true. Even their home-brew is expensive,
b) they listen to rave and techno music. German rave and techno music. It's like being at an even crappier than usual Love Parade,
c) when they're not listening to rave and techno music they're listening to Croatia songs about "Dalmatija". Every Croatian song I heard was about "Dalmatija",
d) and all the radio stations have only two or three CD's each and they're the same ones so you get Dalmatija (v. 234b) and some techno track all day long, on every station, in every bar and restaurant,
e) they claim to have a wonderful local cuisine, they sell videos about their wonderful cooking. Hmm, in the four towns I visited extensively, every restaurant served pizza and spaghetti. Only pizza and spaghetti. Oh and one type of salad,
f) they dislike foreigners. I was ripped off in 7 different shops,
g) an entire generation of girls has disappeared. I really don't understand what has happened to the countries demographics. During war, the male 17-50 population usually decreases, not the female 16-25. Everywhere there were young men looking for girls. BUT NO GIRLS. It was incredible. Its as if the girls all went off to the front-line. Sheez.
h) most of the bars are expensive and the service is awful. I found one bar I liked and got to know the barmen so I stuck to one bar for two weeks. It was the only cool bar in town of course, RHCP, Beastie Boys, Prodigy music. On the beach. Paradise apart from the lack of girls and the fact that they closed at 2am. At 2am in Majorca we used to think about leaving our second bar and heading for the third to start partying seriously. And their disco's are awful, they play Eiffel 65 and techno all night (until 1am!) long and the guys vomit everywhere,
i) returning to f), even if you find a girl, she'll tell you to f*** off (literally) because you're Croatian. I gave up after 5 days of being told to f*** off.
My holiday in Croatia was awful and I was bored out of my brains. I read about 5000 pages of various fantasy and sci-fi books and still had time to waste. The only fun thing I did was swim and jet-ski. The positive thing about Croatia is that it is safe, no aggression anywhere. If I had walked around at night alone in any other country whose streets were as full of young men with time on their hands, I would have got beaten up at least once. As it is, I almost got beaten up when some guys in a bar got the thought that I was an Hungarian and an Orthodox. I quickly explained that I was Polish and Catholic, and got offered beer and a joint. Nicest evening I spent there.
Sorry if I've offended any Croatian readers, I have much respect to them for kicking Serbian butt and for their fight for independence but I'm not going there again for holiday. And I'm not going to recommend it to anyone.
29 July (Early Morning)
So why haven't I been writing? Well basically:
a) my system got wiped by a damn Linux install. Corel Linux wiped out my c:. Luckily I had everything backed up, apart from the last 6 months of email, because damn Outlook has a crappy archive option.
b) I was on holiday for 3 weeks.
c) I didn't feel like ruminating.
d) I've been playing two games I've been waiting for a long time, Diablo 2 and Shogun:Total War. I can recommend both of them.
e) I've been reading a lot and have been dissing the books on Amazon.co.uk pages instead of this site.
f) I've been depressed (see c) ).
Okay, so time to ruminate:
a) It's my life and I'm not going to live forever, so why not? Because I'm a damn coward.
b) Why can't people tell the difference between websites and internet programs? "A US court has ordered the Napster website shut down", that's a quote from the BBC.
c) Why is the American reading public so mediocre? They have to have a special edition of Harry Potter because they can't understand the Queen's English? Mayhaps, they should learn it, tis a beautiful language. BTW Frontpage outlined Mayhaps and tis as spelling errors :-)
d) Do bad needs need to be balanced by ten times as many good deeds (quantity or quality) to avoid bad karma? I'm wondering because I commited a minor bad deed, very minor, then on the same day saved a man from being mugged, caught a thief and was very good indeed, but I have had bad karma for the last week. Really bad luck, all the time. Everything has being going wrong. I may forge my own destiny, but my raw materials are tainted.
Respect to Baz who has probably been checking this page out every week, in the hope that I've updated it. Sorry, man.
A word of warning: Jack McDevitt is a really bad author, check out my reviews of his books on Amazon.co.uk. Same goes for the book Silver Screen, written by somebody I can't even bother to remember. On the other hand, Robert Jordan, George R.R. Martin, Peter F. Hamilton and John Courtenay Grimwood are very good authors. If my opinion counts for anything, get the books :-) And if you like them, send me a 1 GBP gift voucher via Amazon.co.uk. If you don't, send my flamemail.
9 june (early morning)
El Psycho has just come back from a disco ruminating. I have to admit that I have a serious inferiority complex. I'm in the top 2% IQ percentile but I find myself extremely jealous of people more intelligent than me. I don't mind muscle-bound idiots (well I do but I just think: He's an idiot), sculpted airhead models (what you going to be doing in 10 years time), handsome inanes (I'm going to be richer and happier than you) but I do hate the few who are more intelligent than myself. That means really intelligent. Arrogant bastiche am I.
One thing I'm ruminating about: Am I really an ugly and unattractive bastiche?
Lonely as I am, together we cry.
Oh, almost forgot to mentiom that Seven Samurais is an extremely good film, worthy of a place alongside Aliens, the Empire Strikes Back and Blade Runner. Total excellence.
2 june
I've been practising Iaido from the Flashing Steel book. Towards this I bought first a wooden boken (sword) and then a steel katana. The katana has a blunted edge so that I don't cut my head off doing the "flick the blade over your head" maneuver. I've managed to smash two light-bulbs though whilst doing the "chop the enemy in half from above" maneuver. Nice.
I'm a little depressed because I got a job application that I was counting on turned down. Oh, well. I've got important bar entry exams this month so I'll probably be updating MORE often instead of studying. Happy? Hope so.
No ruminations apart from... have you ever run to save your life and if not, why not?
I'm thinking about making this page more web-friendly, i.e. "shock horror" some graphics and splitting it up in fragments.
21 may
Being a complete psycho, I bought Flashing Steel, Mastering Eishin-Ryu Swordsmanship by Masayuki Shimakuro and Leonard J. Pellman. The thing about Eishin-Ryu is that the first motion should be the last, in one fluid movement you draw and kill. Apart from that I found a very interesting list of Samurai principles/precepts:
Samurai No Kokoroe: Precepts of the Samurai:
1. Know yourself.
2. Always follow through on commitments.
3. Respect everyone.
4. Hold strong convictions that cannot be altered by your circumstances.
5. Don't make an enemy of yourself.
6. Live without regrets.
7. Be certain to make a good first impression.
8. Don't cling to the past.
9. Never break a promise.
10. Don't depend on other people.
11. Don't speak ill of others.
12. Don't be afraid of anything.
13. Respect the opinions of others.
14. Have compassion and understanding for everyone.
15. Don't be impetuous.
16. Even little things must be attended to.
17. Never forget to appreciative.
18. Be first to seize an opportunity.
19. Make a desperate effort.
20. Have a plan for your life.
21. Never lose your "Beginner's spirit".
Print the above out. Read it. Think about it. Ruminate. Paste on your wall. Live it. I have problems with some of the precepts but then again, I'm a weak person, not a samurai.
BTW If anyone wants the Japanese I can supply it (latin characters). The book the above is copied from is excellent so get it, even if you aren't really interested in martial arts, about half deals with philosophy. The only flaw may be the slightly Americana reader orientation ("seize" :-).
12 May
Hmm. I haven't been deep thinking, drinking or dancing much recently. Done some reading, done some writing, played a lot of games but have generally been busy doing things that don't stimulate the old writing juices. I'm working on a web project and a novel. More info will follow.
5 May
No update for a while, sorry about that. I've either been away or busy with other things, i.e. the new Cypress Hill album, the South Park Mexican album (a rap album not connected with the series), some cyberpunk books by Jon Courtenay Grimwood, Imperium Galactica 2, Freelancer, Imperialism 2 AND Force Commander. All are recommended apart from Force Commander, a limited, boring RTS with 3d graphics. Avoid.
I've been ruminating about the continuing idiocy of the stupid bastards campaigning against GLOBAL CAPITALISM and GLOBALISATION (written in capital letters because they have no idea what the phrases mean). I found the attack on Winston Churchill's statue deeply offensive and worthy of severe punishment and when a McDonald's get trashed, I wonder, what's the difference between Starbucks and McD apart from the fact that certain idiot students (I'm an alumni so I can say that) wouldn't be seen dead in a McD with a double cheeseburger, while of course a triple latte mocco choco colombian is a completely different matter.
I'll maybe ruminate about Metallica's attack on Napster, its creators and its users next time.
23 April
Carpe noctem.
18 April
Added a new South Park remix. This time of Out of Space, also by the Prodigy. It contains samples from the Anal Probe episode. Get it here.
12 April
I read Fight Club yesterday. It's by Chuck Palachniuk and is the book from which the film was made. Both the book and the film are excellent, surprisingly the film might even be a better narrative format for this tale. If you haven't seen the film, go, if you haven't read the book, buy it as they differ.
The Fight Club philosophy seems to be a rebellion against materialism imprisonment and spiritual mediocrity, a striving for perfection in mind and body. The film or book didn't change my life because I already try to embody some of Tyler Durden's philosophy in my own life. I aim for perfection, I don't care for society's judgement of my externality, I am an individual and try to enjoy every moment of life that I can (i.e. when it rains I can find something to be happy about - say the bracing wind or the feel of raindrops on my face, when its sunny I can find something happy about that too -the warmth of the sun on my skin). Don't be mediocre. Do your best. For tomorrow you will die. Do as I say, don't do as I do.
11 April
Bored so I did a remix of Their Law with South Park sounds. The highly compressed but surprisably clear version is available here.
7 April
Looks like I was wrong on the 5th. I saw the mother of my children in the bank yesterday and didn't do a thing. What a waste. Kids, don't do as I do, do as I say, carpe diem. There's a neat scene in Immoral Proposition where Robert Redford's millionaire character is talking about once seeing a beautiful girl on the subway and regretting never chatting her up, upon which he vowed never to have the same thing happen to him again. I can relate to that.
5 April
Been out with some friends. I'm wondering whether I may be emotionally
frigid. Basically I don't feel like I can fall in love. I can be fun, nice and
pleasant for members of the opposite sex, but I'm not going to go head over
heels. However that doesn't mean I'm sexually frigid :-). I've also been
thinking about my relationships with my male friends, male bonding is based on
the premise that a friend is a friend, no matter what, that he'll find time for
you, your problems or your lack of problems and a good mood. If a friend doesn't
come for a scheduled beer-and-sausage-piss-up because of a non-totally urgent
event, then you can't really call them a friend, he's an acquaintance. Male
bonding is about putting your mates (Translation for Americans: That means your
main homies, pals, real good friends) ahead of work, distant family and petty
matters whilst appreciating that family and close family may sometimes/or
mostly take precedence over your mates (if they always take precedence,
without regard to circumstances, you're in trouble).
I've been thinking about the riddle, what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object, my answer would be that the unstoppable force doesn't stop while the immovable object stays still, i.e. they pass through each other without effecting each other. Iain Banks suggests that the immovable object moves while the unstoppable force stops. Ruminate about it. I'm sure you'll agree that I'm right :-)
2 April
I had a really great time at a disco yesterday. I felt like the April Fool joker incarnated. Situation comedy, however the humor of it can only be shared with those friends who are up to date on my social life. Suffice to say, I was smiling pleasantly and a bunch of guys were smiling forced smiles. I was also at the same disco on Friday and managed to go bowling between dance marathons (I finished at 6:30 am on the 1st) so basically all my muscles ache like hell, a happy sort of ache.
I'm kinda pissed off at Amazon.co.uk for not putting up my review of Revelation Space (they did the same with the Arthur C. Clarke dross). Their strategy seems to be not to allow bad reviews of books that they're pushing to clients (aggressively) to be posted until a host of good reviews has appeared. I think that is a foolish one.
I finished Planescape: Torment recently. Awesome game, the engine is better than Fallout 2 or Baldur's Gate, the story is almost as good as Fallout 2 (BG had no story IMHO), highly recommended by an extremely experienced games player. Great fun and highly deep (though the game does promote the script-writers' morality, for those who have played it: Doesn't the ending contradict Christian beliefs about redemption and forgivenesss and reflect a Mercy-Killer like philosophy?).
28 March
Looks like I won't be serving in the army anytime soon. That is until the Russians invade. Again. Probably get killed in an artillery barrage but then again I might end up an underground intelligence commander like my grandfather.
I read Revelation Space by Alastair Reynolds last week, I found it extremely disappointing. It tries to combine elements of extreme technological futures (Greg Bear, David Brin, Vernor Vinge and Neal Stephenson are worthy of mention as masters of these themes), inexplicable weirdly evolved human societies (Greg Bear, Iain M. Banks, Peter F. Hamilton, Dan Simmons), modern space opera (Banks and Hamilton) and space horror films heavy on crew interaction and foreboding (Alien and Event Horizon). Unfortunately Alastair Reynolds lacks the seemingly convincing technological insight or cool excitement of the techno-masters, surprising given his background, I found his tech vision strangely limited by his background, its all lepton, quark or relativistic-speed mass weapons, technically competent but unexcitingly described. His alien and human societies are simply unconvincing in their motivation and mindsets, they're simply generic "unknowable" aliens or "spacers", not fascinating as the Culture, the Hegemony or Edenists are. The book has space opera pretensions but since its simply boring in that aspect (wow, an alien artifact with unbelievable powers. Cliche is good when its well written and this book isn't. For instance the first half of the book is incredibly disjointed with character viewpoints shifting every page or so.) I mentioned the horror films because the book aspires to combine a terryfingly empty space-ship with malicious ghosts, computers, crew-members, genetically modified life-forms (rats) etc but fails miserably through the writing. The crew interactions are weak, there are no real character tensions or motivations (they all feel artificial - one-dimensional). The main hero evokes no sympathy, not because we hate his character but because his character lacks definition - I didn't care for him or his friends/enemies. To sum up, Reynolds needs to polish his writing if he wants to compete with equally technically brilliant great writers. Otherwise he'll end up churning out mediocre space opera novels mixed with tiny fragments of physics and astrophysics papers.
Returning to important matters like life and philosophy, I often find out that very clever ideas that I've had INDEPENDENTLY a while ago, have already been thought up by someone else, someone else a lot more famous a long time ago. That doesn't bother me, because this confirms that great minds think alike :-) (very self-deprecating comment :-). For instance Pascal's thoughts about religion being a bet with a small loss as one result (if God doesn't exist) and an infinite gain as the other result (if God does exist), I was going around telling people the same a couple of years ago before I read about his "bet". I was quite shocked when I read about it. Or Seneca's advice was to assume that everything will go wrong, so when it does you don't get upset. People often call me a pessimist, but I'm just following my own version Seneca's advice - assume the worst, then the outcome won't disappoint and might delight - I most often get pleasantly surprised by the outcome of events. It is unfortunate that some of my friends don't realise that pessimism differs from this philosophy. I thought this up when I was about 12 years old. I'm not making a claim about being brilliant, ruminate about whether you've had an philosophical ideas that you've then read or heard about it in the future.
Returning to even more important matters, Tango & Cash is a very funny and well made film. Recommended.
22 March (very late)
I'm in a good mood today. My life may be turning around, i.e. I think I may soon stop suffering the condition that has debiliated me for the last 9 months. Or I may have gotten used to it and can resume functioning fairly normally soon. Or maybe I've been at the beer too much.
Anyway, couple of thoughts:
The following words really demand proper definition:
a) alive/life
b) consciousness
c) thought
d) mind
Next thought concerns the book Rise of Endymion by Dan Simmons. Its the 4th Hyperion book and its so terrible that it ruins the whole Cantos. The writer uses standard third-rate writing ploys to make up for a complete lack of new ideas or thoughts how to finish the series off, i.e.:
a) events described in previous books are supposed to have been misreported by the characters involved and now they have a "deeper" meaning or are just told differently to fit a new story-line which completely contradicts the previous one, for instance a character is killed in the first book but know he turns up and becomes the thing that killed/didn't kill him,
b) mystical events are given a pathetic and banal explaination,
c) old enemies were not defeated completely just they ran away but now they're back bigger and badder,
d) all the characters in previous books were lying or mistaken about everything,
e) ambiguity ("we may never know what that meant") replaces intelligent answers to question, the point in case is that Dan Simmons never properly explains what the damn Shrike is and how come it was murdering people in the first two books and then it comes back and helps humanity against the nasty enemies in the next two books,
f) the central theme of the previous books is missed out entirely in the last and ignored in happy-ever-after crap.
Much respect for the previous three books which I recommend (or perhaps only the first two so you don't have to read the fourth after the third and get really cheesed off.)
20 March
Rather irritating news item today. Some fanatic blinded idiots painted a swastika on a landing pad that the Pope will land on in Isreal. Seems like its the Pope's fault that the Nazis commited genocide. He's also threatened with violence from these same religious history-blinded fanatics. Couple of points to make that are completely independent of the issue whether the Catholic Church shares blame for the holocaust:
a) The Pope is Polish. 1/4 of Poles died at Nazi hands during WWII. Granted that many were Jewish.
b) The Pope was in a concentration camp (as were many if not most Polish priests. The Germans exterminated religious and intellectual figures first. My grandfather spent most of the war in one when not working in slave factories.)
c) Any violence by fanatical Jews against the Pope would result in pogroms against Jews by equally stupid Catholic (pseudo-Catholic?) fanatics. The scale of possible violence would be incredible as there would revenge for a religious attack (rather than revenge for the political assasination attempt made by the KGB through a muslim hitman). Its terrifying, many people could die and much hatred would be reignited.
Rumination: Think of the consequences before you act. And think what you're doing and why you're doing it. And who you're doing it against or with.
BTW Before you flame me, read the above text and think about it. I haven't insulted anyone, denied the Holocaust, made anti-semitic statements or worn a black shirt.
Oh yeah, I had fairly good weekend. I won't bother to describe it apart from the fact that I was at a Tommy Boy (the DJ, not the clothes or record line) concert/rave. Good fun. My ears are still ringing after 24 hours.
12 March (late evening)
I've got a good mood today. Spookey. Rumination: Carpe Diem. Carpe Noctem. Carpe Jugulum.
Can't wait until next Friday. BTW a friend of mine got married yesterday. A rather strange match but her husband seems to be extremely nice. I'm terrified to think that I will get married and terrified to think I won't get married. Doomed to and doomed not to.
12 March
I was going to put up some new disco haiku up but then decided to spare you the boredom. BTW haiku in the textbook sense is a 3 line unrhymed poem, with 5, then 7, then 5 syllables, describing a scene from nature and/or Man's while senryu uses the same meter to describe the human condition. So what I've actually been writing is crap senryu :-). I'm currently wondering why Busta Rhymes doesn't deserve the same criticism I gave to Puff Daddy for his rock-legend rip-off. Probably because he didn't build his career around two stolen classic riffs and he sang the song with the original artist AND This Means War is better than Ironman. Which can't be said about Kashmir and Godzilla Rap.
11 March
Currently listening to Busta Rhymes, Extinction Level Event, an extremely good album, especially the Ozzy Osbourne collaboration.
Anyway, I was watching a program about American New Age pilgrims in the UK. I found them completely pathetic. Their guide was spewing some gibberich about tuning into the energy of cosmic places and focusing their conscious life-energy onto a higher plane to allow the energy to bring fulfillment and evolution. This guide is especially obscene as he spews forth various worthless statements (I knew you were going to say you wanted to sing a song) and myths (i.e. that the Templars escaped to Scotland). Theew was also another member of the group who didn't seem to realise that the Catholic faith is not compatible with New Age beliefs, she was talking about her cousin being the official confirmed next Fatima while at the same talking some rubbish about crystal energy and using the concentrated meditative powers of fellow pilgrims to bring forth the Nessie (Loch Ness in England). The whole group seemed to be a pathetic collection of elderly Americans scared of death and seeking the key to immortality and eternal youth. A bit late in my opinion.
6 March
I've been a bit busy recently so sorry for no updates. Since the Polish Army wants to draft me, I may find myself unable to update this page for a while. I'm being drafted because I've finished university and am supposedly fit (Commando-level fitness category - A1) for military service. Unfortunately I am not currently fit (don't ask why but I really am sick). Click here for some pics that should give you an idea what service in the Polish army is like (the text is in Polish but pictures are worth a thousand words). Since I'm an university graduate I'll get sent to warrant officers school for 3 months and then I'm supposed to order recruits (those unlucky enough not to have finished higher education and who have to serve for 12 months) around for another 3 months. Poor recruits.
Turning to a different subject, I've got some Web Awards you might like to check out (head for this pAwards received by my ruminations pageage). I hope they'll attract visitors. One reviewer told me this page has too much text and look's like a book. I guess he didn't realise that that's the idea. Maybe a Java-animated nav bar, lots of pics and little text would have been more to his taste. On my website (of which this page is just a part) I try to implement the lessons of Web Sites That Suck and make sure that my website doesn't suck. For me content is much more important than cool design, so I minimalise the time spent making a good-looking page and maximalise the time spent on content.
Turning to music, I've been listening to Psychorealm (album and band name) which is basically two fresh new rappers and B-Real from Cypress Hill. I've also been listening a lot to "Muggs present the Soul Assasins Chapter I", Muggs (on mixer) you should know from Cypress Hill, while the album includes very credible songs from rappers like KRS-One, Dr Dre, Call O' Da Wild and Wyclef. Both albums are heartily recommended for peeps, homies and gangstas that don't like Puff Daddy. I especially like the martial theme of Chapter I.
Returning to more intellectually challenging entertainments, I've been reading the Hyperion (Hyperion, the Fall of Hyperion, Endymion, the Rise of Endymion) series by Dan Simmons. Excellent stuff and intellectually very provocative. Two of his premises warrant further discussion, i.e. that God exists on a quantum level (i.e. the minimal time period possible and the minimal distance possible) which I think ties in neatly with my thoughts on God being the quantum-decider (head down this page for more) and that if we create AI intelligences, we should be careful that they don't find us useless parasites (an sci-fi theme but given a new twist by Dan Simmons - the created God of Humanity fighting the constructed God of the AI's).
Anyway, head for Amazon.co.uk or Amazon.com to get the books and CDs.
Another rumination: Anybody interested in a political career should study the rise of Julius Ceaser. I think the current political situation in the USA (not just the current elections) resemble those of Rome at the end of the Republic, i.e. a powerful hereditary aristocracy controlling elected political power, a powerful class of merchants controlling the economy and closely linked to the aristocracy, a safety-valve meritocracy of non-elected government service and the plebs/voters manipulated by the above.
27 February (evening)
My horoscope from "Weird Al" Yankovic:
The stars say that you're and exciting and wonderful person...
but you know they're lying
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never leave my
house again.
(Capricorn)
The above basically means I'm listening to "Weird Al" Yankovic's Running with Scissors, an excellent album which I heartily recommend.
BTW I went to tough schools where I did have to study for my marks, where I learnt something and I'll make sure that my children go to the same. However I'm not a rat-racer.
27 February
Gratuituously nicked this off a mailing list which hadn't give credit to where it was from so I can't give proper credit. I will say that I agree with all the points and technically I am what you would call a nerd.
RULE 1: Life is not fair; get used to it.
RULE 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. "Respect" is earned, not given.
RULE 3: You will NOT make forty thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone until you earn both. There'll be lots of competition for them and if you can't cut it, "racism" and the "glass ceiling" may not be to blame. Plenty of male WASPs are propping up desks at the low end of the while collar world.
RULE 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure--he has competitors.
RULE 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity. They didn't expect it to pay a "living wage," it was simply a stepping-stone to a real job and a chance to prove you could work hard and be reliable.
RULE 6: If you mess up, it's not the fault of your parents, your teachers, or society, so don't whine about your mistakes and blame them on others --learn from them.
RULE 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are and how unfair everything is. So before you save the rainforest from the "environment destroying parasites of your parents' generation," try delousing the closet in your own room, and mowing the lawn.
RULE 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades; they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. Be advised that this doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
RULE 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Sorry, but you'll have to do that on your own time.
RULE 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs, wash their dishes, pay for their clothes, etcetera.
RULE 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
26 February
I was watching a news program about recent developments in science that might allow us to extend our total lifespans and our useful lifespans.
I won't go into the detail of these developments but I'd ruminate about one thing. I belong to a generation that sincerely believes it will live either forever or for a very long time. We can see our grandparents or great-grandparents reaching 80 or 90 and we're thinking, they're doing that without any of the drugs or treatments that are now in development, they haven't had genetic treatments, they didn't lead healthy lives but science can still keep them alive.
What will happen if our dreams are shattered and we simply end up as prosperous and fit 80 year olds, bionically supported 90 year olds, home-bound 100 year olds and we die cheated of the 200 year lifespans that seemed just round the corner in 2000 for those born in the 1970's and 1980's. Will we die knowing that our children will be virtually immortal thanks to the genetic treatment we bought them or that our grandchildren will be able to download their minds into the AI systems that only 3 generations of saving will be able to afford? Or will we die knowing that immortality was just as much an impossible dream for us and our children as for our parents and grandparents and all the generations before us. As a 24 year old I believe our parents are scared of death and slightly jealous of the scientific harvest that we will reap, but my generation is also wondering, will the children being born now have access to something that will allow them to live 30, 50 or a 100 years more than us?
22 February
Some Amazon.co.uk orders of mine have shipped and I'll receive them soon. By my calculations I'll have about 6000 pages of fiction to work through over the next week (or two :-). Anyway I'm read the Callahan Chronicles by Spider Robinson (excellent tales, reminiscent of Asimov's short stories) whilst listening to Californication by the RHCP. I hope this will prove cathartic.
I was ruminating today about whether I believe in fate or do I believe that one mostly controls one's own life. I tend to believe that you create your own opportunities, perhaps the rather distressing life I am leading will change with some effort on my part. Unfortunately I am not sure that I will not find the initial effort disheartening and fall back to relying on fate to provide some solutions to my problems (problem actually as I'm leading quite a charmed life actually).
20 February
More disco pseudo-haiku:
4
Crying inside, blind, hateful mind,
Constant blindside,
Nowhere to hid,
World don't mind,
It's love you can't find or regain.
5
Hate, total, ultimate, black,
Overwhelming, unfounded, unfair,
For he does not know me,
So why his death, destruction, so demanded?
Logic dictates vengeance ungrounded,
Hatred shouts annihilation demanded.
Sheez, I scare myself.
19 February
Wrote some nasty poetry today at a disco:
1
I think of her and the other hers and the rest,
and darkness,
engulfs me,
slightly, brightly, nightly, completely.
2
Evil, unreleased, unfounded, everlasting,
Quenched when with someone, not extinguished, perhaps slaked,
surfacing when alone, when one.
3
Hate infinitesimal of him, a floating charge, infinite and crystallised,
through vision or word of him with her, though not through,
thought.
Weird. But I like it. Hope the evil and darkness seeps through. Anyway, I still love life so don't worry too much.
17 February
What a really depressing day. Firstly I'm recuperating having two wisdom teeth removed (two at one go), secondly I'm suffering from extreme post-Valentine's day depressive syndrome, thirdly life's a female dog. Apart from that, sup? I've got a good idea for a book about demons and space crusaders (DON'T GROAN, its a variation on various themes , not tacky space-opera hopefully), I'll maybe start writing tomorrow. Rumination, how come tv's full of bloody programs about people splitting-up and then coming back together? Or about sick people? Or about depressed people. And they all look better than you?
3 February
Sup? I'm listening to Mimosa and other FLC songs on my new MiniDisc player/recorder, MZR-55, which is in the Guinness Book of Records 2000 as the smallest example of its kind. Which it is not. There are smaller MiniDisc player/recorders.
I've got the feeling that the Guinness Book of Records has become a product placement book. The standards of the book have declined terribly. I remember my first one, the 1981 book, full of real technical and human achievements, the 2000 edition seems to have become a book mixing government (US) propaganda (i.e. the "record" number of people saved by air-bags!), children amazing fact books and record categories thought up to justify placing a picture of a marketed item in the book (most popular mp3 player!). The categories have changed from general to specific, i.e. the 1981 book would have contained smallest music player and not smallest mp3 and minidisc player. I do not believe that records should be kept for events that have only occurred once or only a few times, so no proper history of difficulty and variation of results can be provided or are not characterised by the singularness of the achievement.
Here some examples of "pseudo-records" taken from the first few pages of the book:
Largest shuttle crew - the title should be largest spacecraft crew and anyway there is already a category for most people in space at one time. Also the record 8 is hardly singular, I can imagine a shuttle going up with 9 or 10 astronauts, no problem.
Longest shuttle flight - "shuttle"?
Most circulations of the Earth by a space-station - Since only Mir's up there its going to hold the record for a while...
Largest space burial - there have only been two to my knowledge so... and its not singular, I can easily imagine 200 people getting their ashes blasted into orbit on the same rocket as carried up 24.
Astronaut responsible for the largest number of laptops - WHAT THE HELL? Can you guess why this fact belongs to a children's bumper book of amazing facts and not a book of records? What's the difference between a laptop and a computer?
Greatest Inca archeological discovery - INCA, what is this racism? Generality!
Taking into account the rather unworthy record categories contained in the book, perhaps the next edition should contain the entries:
Largest number of Big-Macs eaten by Dustin in 2 days while snowboarding.
Most cds played in a portable Sony CD player by Dustin in a day.
First Microsoft program purchased by Dustin.
The most insulting thing about the book is that it has no human intellectual records, memory, intelligence etc. But then again maybe they'll add a category, greatest intelligence boost achieved by a vitamin supplement and greatest memory boost achieved with use of 3d mood goggles.
1 February
I put a tiny little political comment on my PGII page. It's a banner in Polish but you can guess what its about.
26 January
Now this is going to get me into serious trouble. A foreword, I'm a believing, non-practicing Catholic (despite the fact that many people seem to think I'm of the children of Moses - which seems to bother them though not me).
Now the rumination: If you treat the Bible as the only source of God's word, dispensing with all other sources and specifically the Catholic Churches tradition, there is a serious problem that very few people seem to be aware of. That problem is translation. Verily do translated biblical texts state different things in different languages and they sometimes (especially older unrevised texts used in modern editions by certain churches or Churches) vary very significantly with recently discovered texts. Therefore, different versions of the word of God are being distributed and there is little guarantee that you hold something true to the Word of God unless you have believe that the translator of your edition (which will differ significantly from any other edition). Now is that not a serious problem when treating the Bible as the only source of God's Word and teachings. An example of the problem of translation: thou shalt not kill should be translated as thou shalt not murder, the Hebrew text concerns illegal murder not legal execution or death in warfare or self-defense (as practiced by the very blood-thirsty nation of Israel).
25 January
I'm a graduated Master of Law as of a couple of days but don't expect my writing to suddenly gain insight and clarity. I've also reached the age of 24, which is slightly worrying. Rumination for the day, if you could choose, would you rather be more intelligent or more beautiful. Vote on this page.
10 January (late night)
One thing has started annoying. Lots of people who don't know what they're talking about or lack basic logical thought skills have started saying that the Y2K computer problem didn't exist because nothing happened and it was just a waste of money thought up my computer marketers. Where's the logical error here? Maybe nothing happened because the money was spent? Maybe all that effort worked out and saved us from problems? Maybe the programmer did a good job? Or maybe all the money spent on child polio vaccinations in the West is wasted because children don't get sick with polio anymore.
Next thing: Criticism of asteroid watch programs. Waste of money/it won't happen/just some nuts want money to watch the skies. Space objects hit the Earth with awful regularity. It will happen. Laws of physics will make sure it happens. Only way to make sure we don't get wiped out like the dinosaurs is to see the things coming and stop them. That seems more worthwhile to me than spending money on certain other non-survival projects (insert your favorite waste of money here). As a final note, if we do stop an asteroid hitting the Earth and wiping out life, this will be vindication of the art of warfare and our military spending.
10 January
BTW The rap files are PARODY. IRONY. SELF-DEPRECATING HUMOUR. I'm not really an idiot criminal :-).
3 January
After spending the last couple of days in Austria boarding and coming back sick and tired, I decided to try my hand at rapping. Pathetic.
[NOT THE BEGINNING OF THE NEW MILLENNIUM, MERELY THE END OF THE 1900's]
18 December (early morning)
[ENGAGE RANT MODE]
The idiocy of anti-WTO protesters in Seattle is shocking. Very reminiscent of the 1960's hippy idiocy. Guru figures, slogans and bullshit create a very potent brew. Idiots. A truly intelligent person looks for the sense and evidence behind slogans, chants and sound-bites and often walks away in disgust, exasperated at thereof lack. How can students be so stupid? Some people need to take a course in critical thinking...
To quote Clueless in Seattle, The Economist, December 4th - 10th 1999, "It is hard to sat which was worse - watching the militant dunces parade their ignorance through the streets of Seattle, or listening to their lame-brained governments respond to the "arguments"..... Let them [the governments] explain that trade is first and foremost a matter of freedom- that if a government forbids it citizens to buy good from another country it has infringed their liberty. (Why were there no anarchists among all those "anarchists", by the way?) Let them explain that trade makes people better off, especially the poorest people in the poorest countries... "Clueless" is putting it kindly".
Another thing I'd like to rant about: debt relief and poor country demands on rich countries. The poor countries are not poor because the rich countries are rich. Trade and economics is not a zero-sum game. The poor countries are poor because they were ruled by corrupt, incompetent stupid demagogues or tyrants (or both) and their stooges. Their people are hungry not because of full fridges in France and Germany but because of idiotic (or deliberate) agricultural policies or tribal warfare. The poor countries are indebted because their rulers spent money on tanks to scare the neighbours and citizens, limousines and jewels for themselves and massive and stupid projects (unneeded dams, useless factories and other trophy exercises) contracted out to their stooges. Perhaps the countries would not be as rich as those of Europe and North America but they would certainly be able to feed, clothe and educate their people. Its the fault of their previous rulers, not of Western citizens. If those same rulers get more money, they will waste it again (see Russia, a fairly democratic country with massive corruption and wastage of money thrown at it), if their debts are forgiven, they will get in debt again. Its better to teach someone to fish (and how to make a fishing rod) than to give him a fish.
BTW Peeps, the new Willenium starts a nanosecond past midnight 2000. Guess why? There's no year 0. Christ was born in year 1. From 1-100 there are a hundred numbers, so the next century starts in 101. Figured it out? 99% of people haven't it seems.
1 December
What is it with MTV rappers? Why do they make songs and videos where they talk about "their" enormous wealth and show off "their" houses, cars and girlfriends? I write "their" because these guys aren't rich (their record companies are and can hire the gear for a couple of days). They might make a million off a very successful record but a million isn't a lot. Really. Microsoft employees each have a million after a couple of years if they're not kicked out or complete idiots. The songs and videos are cretinous for two reasons, a) anybody with a brain knows that these guys aren't "that" rich, b) they promote the myth that simply through rapping and waving your hands around you can become extremely rich (the scenes shown in the videos are appropriate for people with 8 digit bank accounts - not low 7 digit flukes - check out the lists of the best earning stars if you want to). I can't understand why all those videos are also full of girls in bikinis and guys without shirts, drinking the rapper's alcohol and having fun at his cost. Who has hundreds of friends that they would like to invite around? I wouldn't want those damn hangers on around. The videos are like drug-dealer wet dreams, they show images of extreme wealth and easy sex, the lure for about half of dealers (the rest are junkies). Actually a drug-dealer has a better chance to become a 8 digit millionaire than a rapper- and have perhaps the same survivability rate considering BIG and Tupac.
Yeah, I do dislike most rap - the MTV brand - videos promoting black racism (ever see a white friend of the rapper in videos containing party and wealth scenes?) and sexism + lots of lovely females choruses or a female rapping over a stolen 80's sample and a boom-boom-beep beat - tack, not vocal attack . BUT I do listen to Cypress Hill, House of Pain, Beastie Boys and the Fun Lovin' Criminals - they haven't fallen into the bragging-beach-house+barbie+bikini+bad-beat stereotype.
28 November
Just in case you think I'm a complete philistine I'm listening to a Louis Armstrong CD today. Instead of Cypress Hill - Los Grandes Exitos En Espanol. I read Cryptonomnicon by Neal Stephenson over the weekend (while finishing my thesis and having headache attacks). Interesting book but not as good as Snow Crash or the Diamond Age. For me that is. If you don't know about Enigma and haven't read any of Neal Stephenson's Wired essays then you'll probably find the book fascinating. Oh, its best if you haven't read the Thin Red Line either. The book is a combination of the Thin Red Line, Enigma and Neal's Pacific Rim essays. And Neal makes technical mistakes that even I can discover. Worthy reading though.
I also received a box of comics featuring Lobo (not Lobo comics but Green Lantern, R.E.B.E.L.S, Superman etc).
I might put up my thesis on this page (actually on a linked one) if anybody shows interest. Its in Polish though, so an online translator would come in handy.
I wonder what I can do to increase the hit count on this page. That's my rumination for today :-).
The lack of other ruminations may be explained by my doctor ordering me to lay off the drink for the last month :-).
I've just come back from a short holiday. I do have quite a lot of ruminations:
a) When will snowboards start appearing with their technical details written all over them and styled to look aggressively modern? I'm sure that this will happen in the future, the graffiti graphics of the current trend of snowboards will be replaced by the banality of ski snob-tech-fashion, with the entry of ski manufacturers into the snowboard market. If you're a boarder, think about this, your kids are going to be riding around on yellow Rossignol snowboards with the words X-Treme 3000 Zentrium Diamond Hexagon core emblazoned on the board.
b) I was thinking about joining the army again. Maybe-maybe. I'm certainly in better shape physically and mentally than most recruits/volunteers. Apart from the short-sightedness and flat-feet. I do weights, don't smoke, don't have to drink, can swim, ski, and I'm not thick.
c) Anyone noticed that there's always an extreme liberal political figure in military thrillers to get the reader all riled up about bleeding heart liberals. And that figure usually gets their comeuppance at the hands of a no-nonsense general ("Sergeant, take that damn civilian away from here") or a terrorist ("You stupid Americans don't understand anything. We don't care because we don't feel anything for you decadent scum, we don't negotiate because we have no demands you can fulfill, you will never leave our country until we destroy you").
d) Anyone else noticed that the absence of pain after a period of pain is almost worth the pain?
e) I found out that I cannot constructively take any criticism from a person who I judge to be my intellectual inferior and who is not a very very good friend (I only have a couple of them and some of them are pretty smart).
f) I'd buy a bike. Maybe.
g) Sting is sellout for singing with Puff Daddy. Have I said that already? :-)
h) There is one thing I absolutely detest on the net. Standardised email reply forms. You spend three hours writing exactly what you problem is, you send the email and you get a reply from the company saying basically: "Dear valued customer, we at sellemcheap.com value good customer relations but you idiots can't tell your left hand from your right, so you're certainly too stupid to have written anything constructive in your email which we didn't even read, so we're sending you this information: UPDATE YOUR DRIVERS. Yours sincerely, somebody". I really really hate writing/saying the same thing four times in successive emails and the company not having the decency to have my email read by somebody halfway literate. I'll post examples of this if I get really pissed off.
i) I'm pissed off at the ploys that some smaller girls (<160 cm) use to bind their boyfriends to them - (Hug me, kiss me, I'm just a poor little bunny rabbit that needs to be hugged and kissed, ouch its so cold, I'm so weak compared to you, please carry my luggage, oh, you're so strong, look how sweet I am). Unfortunately "some" might be the wrong word, "most" would be a better word in my experience. Anyone else noticed this? I've started noticing the glint of steel in their eyes even when they're smiling and the odd harsh note in their voices or change of tone in conversations that aren't going the way they want. Of course taller girls have their own tricks, traps and lures. Female readers of this page are encouraged to write in and comment. Intelligently.
3 November
Okay, okay, I'll write something.
What gives hip-hop singers the right to tell their listeners how to live their lives? Are they taking on the mantle of the intellectuals who wrestled the guiding role of priests from religion in the 18th/19th/20th century. I certainly hope not, even though most hip-hop artists are still less corrupt, hypocritical and egocentric than the many of the most influential intellectuals (see Paul Johnson's book, Intellectuals).
Why do hip-hop singers feel that they can guide the actions of their listeners? Most of them haven't finished 30 and yet they still act as modern-day prophets and preachers.
Their own lives are most often hardly shining examples of successful choices whilst their background and education is often severely limited.
Which is probably why I can only listen to hip-hop bands that don't try to educate, empower or indoctrinate me. I.e. Cypress Hill, Fun Lovin' Criminals.
BTW You can now buy music from Amazon.co.uk. Hurrah. And I didn't bother putting a hyperlink under the Amazon.co.uk for a simple reason - so get to use your CTRL-C keys :-) Anyway there are loads of hyper-links to it all over the page.
BBTW Got a nice little rumination ready for you lot, however I won't put it up for a while because people I know personally (I.e. RL friends not efriends) have been reading this. Not that they would be insulted by it.
BBBTW SMS
BBBBTW I saw the Batman Animated Series episode, Legends of the Dark Knight. Awesome, the animated sequence from the Dark Knight Returns was just wonderful. Excellent.
28 October
No updates for a while for a simple reason. Nobody's reading this page and I've been severely disinclined to continue writing it up. The counter numbers were run up since for some reason (my fault probably) the counter was taking hits from my Jason Nevins site (which I now hate). Damn. Instead of 30 visitors a day to this page, I really get 2-3. Thanks for visiting anyway. I'll go after promoting this site more aggressively (sometime).
Anyway, no ruminations to post for now since I've been busy being fed up , mooching around, looking in the mirror, sighing, getting bored etc etc. Recognise the symptoms?
One good thing happened recently, I went to a re-opened disco (it was closed four years ago due to massive problems with underage drug-dealers and users - the place had been reminiscent of the party scenes in Kids) and saw the Freestylers live. Cool. I even prefer them live than on CD. My ears hurt for 2 days afterwards as I was standing near the stage monitors. I was literally at the stage's edge with nobody in front of me, as near to the vocalist as I am to my CPU now, drinking beer and waving my hands in the air like I just don't care. That's the way I like it.
16 October (early morning)
Been listening to the Blade Runner soundtrack in a futile effort to get to sleep. Wasn't working so I booted FrontPage up. Now I am beginning to feel sleepy. Can't win.
Anyway, the more observant of you may have noticed I did a spell-check on the page (any spelling and gramatically mistakes are solely due to large intakes of beer/whiskey or bouts of fever preceding the creation of such flawed ruminations).
I've been thinking about putting most of this page in archive as a separate .html file since this one is getting very long and should take about 30 seconds to load over a 28.8 kbs link according to my FrontPage. What do my esteemed readers think of that? One shortened ruminations page (say 10 seconds download length) and a huge separate page with all preceding ruminations? You know the address.
15 October
I've been reading Arthur C. Clarke's collection of essays, Greeting Carbon-Based Bipeds!
One thing to tell you if you're a Clarke fan.
Don't buy it.
Its the most disappointing book I've read this year.
Disjointed and threadless, it reads like it was thrown together at random. Descriptions of diving trips combine with book reviews and various rambles and ruminations to create a hodge-podge product whose only redeeming feature is its length.
You'll find out that Clarke is a pacifist (anyone wondered up to now why he doesn't write about space conflicts themselves...) and that he was taken in completely by the charming Soviet writers and scientists he'd met over the years. Perhaps he forgets that these extremely intelligent, interesting and civilised personages that he the chance to meet were those sent out by a vicious regime with excellent PR among Western intellectuals? Clarke's obsession with Ceylon is rather pathetic. A message he sent on a crashed Russian space probe to Mars talks about his living on in Sri Lanka, formerly called Ceylon. Why in the name of Asimov would Martians care about what Sri Lanka was called? What gibberish. Also Clarke's statements about what he calls the industrial-military complex (where have I read that before...) are one-sided. War-time technology kills people. But it also saves lives during peace-time. Human culture is in a large part a story of violence propagating progress, either through attempts to stop the violence (laws, taboos, traditions) or to make it more effective (flint, iron, steel, electronics) or to safeguard the fruits of violence (government).
Somebody should tell Clarke that writing with a computer isn't just about using CTRL-C and CTRL-V because I found numerous examples of the same paragraphs appearing in various essays.
I had immense respect for Clarke previously. Now I don't.
BTW When I heard an American Indian on Discovery talking about having Indians having a 2000 year old relationship with horses on the midwest plains of America, I almost fell off my sofa. That wise man should have known that horses were reintroduced to the Americas by the Spaniards (they had been hunted out by Indian ancestors previously) and that the Indian prairie way of life only existed for about two hundred years (it appeared as a result of the mostly coastal Indians being forced out of their traditional territories inland).
Am I making a lot of enemies out there?
13 October
I've said it once, I'll say it twice and I'll say it again in the future. Harry Turtledove does not know his history. He's written a book about the Confederacy successfully seceding from the USA after a successful slave rebellion. I would have thought that a professor of history would know that the American Civil War was fought over taxes. Not slavery. Lincoln was willing to let the South secede provided that it continued paying taxes. The existing taxes had been constructed so as to benefit Northern industrialists.
Sheez, I really hate getting emails from Amazon about Turtledove this, Turtledove that. If he's going to write an alternative history Civil War book, then it doesn't need time-traveling racists to supply the South with AK-47's for it to win the war, it just needs Chamberlain's 20th Maine to fail with their charge on Little Round Top at Gettysburg.
8/9 October (after midnight)
Oui, c'est Dustin qui avec cet pretensious tone communiqué (sic!) avec vous. :-)
Anyway, my depression isn't any better. But that doesn't change the fact that I really thank God for my beautiful life. Even if I'm depressed by my life, I still know its better than 95% of the world's population. Ruminate about that.
I met an old female friend of mine on the street today. First time in years. Two days after my ex-girlfriend met her. Synchronicity? That sort of thing keeps on happening to me, it really does provide a weak proof of my Dustin-centric universal theory: when I remember about somebody, that somebody appears *again* shortly afterwards. Has this happened to you? Something for YOU, to ruminate about. As long as YOU exist as a separate sentient entity... (BTW I'm not really an arrogant self-centered bastiche as most of my efriends can testify :-) ).
Synchronicity is one of the major aspects of my self-centered universal theory. Perhaps its an aspect of yours.
Anyway, this page is getting rather large in kbs. Would my readers prefer me to archive this page or just keep on adding to it? You know the email address.
Anyway, before you start liking me too much or taking me as your guru, there's a Henry Rollins song out there titled LIAR where there's a verse going more or less:
I'll tell you things that you already know,
So you can say, I can really relate to you.
Treat what I say with healthy scepticism. Read it. Study it. Take into account MY state of mind. Apply critical thought. My hope is that this page will expand your horizons, not limit it to my own (despite the fact that they are pretty broad :-) ).
Anyway, thanks for reading this page, the hit counter total is pretty boosting for my ego.
6/7 October (after midnight)
Well I'm pretty damn depressed even though I know my life is good. Physically depressed, psychomatically, as in I feel and am sick as a result of my state of mind. Maybe its because of what the 7th October means to me as a date, five years ago I met the girl I recently split up with. Depressing...
But that's not why I loaded up FrontPage, I'm just going to explain why I didn't ruminate about synchronicity (see 25th September post). Basically, I forgot :-). Anyway, I'm not going to ruminate about that today, because I'm not drunk and I'm depressed and I'm depressed and my hair's a mess and sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner... Ramble ramble ramble ramble ramble ramble blah blah blah pathetic pathetic pathetic isnt this self deprecating rubbish boring.
SNAP OUT OF IT!
Sorry, anyway, I was laying in bed last night thinking about existence. I'm not talking human existence, I'm talking universal existence. Why does the universe exist... Taking common sense to its extreme, it shouldn't. It comes from nothing, it should be nothing. However on a quantum level something can appear out of nothing, a particle and anti-particle. That however is a result of natural laws of quantum physics, but going further, where did does laws come from... Basically there are two ways (and a devious third way) to describe universal existence, God created it or natural laws created it. The problem is, why did God exist (which leads to God being spontaneous - a tautological dead-end -or being created by natural laws, see second theory). So where did the natural laws (basically field effects) come from? They existed in nothing? Unfortunately on the cutting edge of physics, it difficult to distinguish between laws of physic (which we hope will culminate in the near future with the Universal Field Theory) and the matter effect by the laws. So again, no obvious beginning point. No logical reason for the existence of Universe, nothing to explain where the point of matter and field forces that in the Big Bang created our Universe came from. Of course we can say that a Super-God created God or our Universe exists inside another Super-Universe (as quarks for instance exist in our Universe... which leads to the thought, if sub-atomic particles are identical and say our Universe is a building block of a Super-Universe, then there must exist many (think of a trillion and know that you're not nearly close enough) identical Universes... pure speculation). BTW the third theory on universal existence is that God is the sentient force controlling events on a quantum level, basically there are quantum events in this Universe that cannot be predicted by classic physics, they are apparently random (Schroeder's Cat theory)- maybe they're decided by the observer or maybe by a super-observer (BTW physicists seem to like the word "super"). That third theory is my extrapolation of the observer-determination theory. I do claim to have thought it up, I have found nobody else who has expressed it in these terms, though writers seemed to have hinted at it (see the end chapter of Carl Sagan's contact). Nick the idea and die. I will find the stolen theory if published and thanks to the archivising of the internet by various agencies, I will be able to prove that I thought of it first. So please quote me :-).
Having gone off the tangent slightly, we (I) return to the point, so where did it all begin. Which leads to the question why. It can't be explained currently, either you have to ask where God came from or where the fields came from. My personally feeling is that nothing should exist, however cogito ergo sum. In a way, that's a weak proof of the Dustin-centric universal theory of existence. Very weak.
So we exist. But don't know HOW.
Tossing in my bed and taking that as a start point, do we really exist as free-willed beings? Defining free-will as an ability to make decisions without those decisions being a result of outside factors (boiling down to natural laws which create the environment we live in and almost completely influence the working of our brains), I may not believe we have free-will. Everything ultimately boils down to chemical and electric reactions in a neuron network. What the result of that reaction is, depends on the conditions of the reaction. However the weak point here is the mentioned phenomenon of quantum physics, perhaps there is something guiding/deciding quantum events, which is why I said natural laws almost completely influence. Which means we're either manifestations of a universal intelligent being or just possibly manifestations of independent entities (souls?) that exist and decide the results of the reactions... Looking at the mechanics of the brain, there is no mechanism apart from the quantum one where anything we accept as free-will exists. On an atomic level (higher than quantum) we have as much free-will as a 100 cell neuron in the PC game Creatures. As already said, we're (our consciousness) either manifestations of quantum entities (which leads to the question, how do they have free-will, what are the mechanisms that allow decision taking unaffected by the physical surroundings?...) or we don't have free will. The natural answer here would be, if we didn't have free will, we couldn't think about it, I would retort that the neuron sequencing that is thinking about free-will may just be a natural reaction, resulting from the development of the collections of atoms that we are. Our thoughts about free will may just be the impulses of biological computers (our brains), no more free-willed than our homely PCs or VCRs.
Which leads to my almost-final-for-today rumination: So I'm just the firing neuron pattern of a programmed bio-blob whose chemical-electrical reactions will one day cease, bye Dustin, not that he existed per se. Or I have an immortal independent free-willed soul, hoorah. Or a mortal independent free-willed soul, bye Dustin, good you existed though. Or a mortal/immortal independent soul (without the free-will as a result of other natural predictable etched-in-stone processes deciding the quantum entities decisions), no Dustin exists. Choose the one you prefer. I know which one that is for me.
Final-for-today rumination: So where did it come from?
Sorry about this, I've got another rumination and a note on the practice of discussions: Don't bother quoting the Bible to people who will not accept it as a point of reference. That doesn't mean I'm an atheist, its just advise to people who now hate me as Satan's agent, that you cannot quote an authority to people for whom the quoted is no authority. First you have to convince them (logical discussion) that it is an authority. When I say "people" I mean intelligent, critical thinking people who will not accept an authority simply because of the force of charisma of the person quoting the authority. It simply angers them.
I hope you find all of the above intelligible, it might not be as I could write a book on any of the subjects and not exhaust them.
Okay, okay, how come nobody told me that the version of this page available on the Internet for the last couple of days has been dated 19 September?
No news is good news, but people, unless this page is perfect, give me feedback.
Anyway, there are 3 new entries for you to read.
Who's reading this page anyway, apart from my e-friends?
3 October
Sorry for a lack of a recent update, unfortunately I haven't had anything to really ruminate about. Lack of time wasn't the reason, I just don't think its worth my updating this page if I haven't got anything interesting to say.
Anyway, have you ever wondered why you can have a good moment one moment and the next, as a result of simply a thought or observation, not event, you can suddenly become very depressed? Just as a result of your internal thought processes, your good humor leaves you... Now how come that doesn't work in reverse...
Next thing, anyone think that PC game developers nowadays don't know how to code?
They have incredibly powerful machines to work on and run their programs but their laziness means that instead of exploiting that power, their programs are mediocre in their results... Games are nowadays hardware not code driven. That's bad, simply because it means that game quality depends on hardware quality, i.e. the amount of money you. In the days of 8 and 16 bit computers, the hardware was stable and instead the software had to advance. Gameplay was also much more important. I have more respect for console programmers, they have much less powerful machines to work on but they achieve gameplay results surpassing that of PC games and almost as good graphic quality.
I had another rumination ready but I have to chew on it a little more.
BTW Don't you hate people who say they'll phone but they don't, even if you are of them :-)
25 September 1999
Friend of mine suggested that an old female friend of mine is romantically interested... Weird, since she's more of a sister to me. Anyway, rumination for today:
Watchmen would be better without Dr Manhattan being a supernatural hero. And I'd like to be more like the Comedian.
Watchmen = cult comic recommended by Tash. Get it from you know where.
Oh yeah, on the 23rd I met the person who iced me on the 17th. Twice in a week after not seeing her for 5 years. Synchronicity and coincidence...
I'll ruminate about that next update. I promise. And I'll try to cut the rubbish about my romantic unsucceses (yes I know that's not a proper word.)
23 September 1999
4 days since my last update. Naughty Dustin. Unfortunately I don't have any real ruminations to share with you.
However I can recommend the following items to you:
a) Preacher comics
b) Jagged Alliance 2 - a strategy/tactical game for the PC.
Preacher is excellent and the TP's are pretty cheap at a certain internet bookseller whose URL I will not give for the nth time on this page again :-). I.e. scroll down.
Dustin's quest for true love continues...
BTW seems I scared a PBeM DM with a character I wanted to place in his game... he hasn't written back to me.
BBTW How come I haven't got any mail about this page?
I've been reading Alain De Botton's little book ,"How Proust can change your life". Hmm... despite the dazzling reviews on the books back cover I find the book surprisingly unsatisfying. Possibly because I already know most of the things that Alain (a quite brilliant writer, to be outstandingly immodest I have to say this writing reminds me of my own style of writing - if you get the novel in your hands compare it with the style of this page). Anyway, to summarise the booklet in six words, enjoy your life to the full. Take pleasure and give pleasure, every experience, even painful has value.
Which is probably why the book has yet to have an impact on me. I believe in living life to the full, savoring experiences and pleasures.
Something for you to chew on, a thing that just might change your life: When was the last time you thanked God for living, breathing, sleeping, good health without first experiencing a lack or deprivation of these things? Take time not to pray for a better life but to thank for the life you already enjoy, its a lot better than most of the world's population (not armed with IE's, PC's and mice). When you start thanking God for your life, you might start enjoying your life (and I didn't read that in De Botton's book), I discovered that about 5/6 years ago while going through a depression (which the RHCP saw me through).
I think people spend much to much time asking for things from God instead of thanking them for what they already have.
If you are not enjoying your life, buy the book, read it and learn. Start thanking God.
17 September 1999
Surprisingly the hit counter on this page has passed 100. That's fairly gratifying. Anyway, this week has been pretty okay for me. I guess that doesn't really interest you... you're interested in my ruminations. Okay, what about this, imagine Superman a licensed agent of the US government, taking orders from the President, the IRS, the FBI... Superman a slave of the US government, acting not as a servant of humanity but a licensed servant of a bureaucratic agency... Batman a white-haired muscular middle-aged man refusing to let America descend into fascism.
Now read the Dark Knight Returns, the best graphic novel I've ever read and I've read a hell of lot of them. Batman becomes the ultimate vigilante on the side of justice, facing (and beating) Superman on the side of justice against order. Buy the book, it really is excellent. Get it from Amazon.co.uk or Amazon.com.
Ruminate on this: How do you know you're not a computer program being fed images by a data network?
BTW I'm keeping my biggest bomb-shell rumination for later. It's not about aliens or communists controlling the world or about our being reincarnated emanations living on the back of a flat world borne on the back of four elephants standing on a turtle's back or other such rubbish.
Oh, I got iced today. Wow. Iced by the married older sister of my first ever girl-friend. :-) :-). My FEGF didn't recognise me... since I knew her I've changed my dress-code, hair-colour, started wearing glasses, began behaving differently.
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
as the Joker would say.... psychokillercircus.
My favourite track from the RHCP Californication album is Otherside (the most promoted on the radio and MTV track is Scartissue). It seems that Anthony Keddis's (RHCP vocalist) and John Frusciante's favourite track from Californication is also Otherside. It really is an excellent song (though Under the Bridge is still my favourite song).
13 September 1999
I'm surprised that I've managed to update this page so often. Anyway, I've had a bad weekend. Had to go to a neurologist owing to my head/teeth aches and the feeling of imminent unconsciousness that has been bugging me for the past week.
As far as my ruminations are concerned, chew on this:
Question: How can you be sure that the universe that you experience through your senses has an independent existence? How can you be sure that anybody else exists outside of your thoughts? Is there an empiric test that can prove that you are not alone in the universe, with it being a figment of your imagination?
Thoughts like this (and about the beginnings, collapse and expansion of the universe, immortality - or lack of it), to be blunt, freak me out. In a positive way. I can get an intellectual high just thinking these things. My favourite meditation time and place is 4 am on a beach or beside an outdoor fire with a couple of bottle of beers. In company but alone with my thoughts, no distractions.
I can also get a slight physical high just by concentrating and manipulating my nervous system. I might just explain how someday. No it is not masturbation, no movements are necessary and it is absolutely not of a sexual nature.
That slight physical high can sometimes turn into a pure shot of pleasure in the brain, however that requires certain additional (absolutely legal, moral and ethical) elements.
Boy, are my nervous system and mind messed up :-)
The sweetest feeling I got from you, the thing's I said to you were true
Hmm. It might be worth splitting up just to listen to old tracks again.
9 September 1999
I've been sick all week so sorry for not updating this site at all. I'm still unwell but I've decided to place this text on my site:
Sometimes I feel
Like I don't have a partner
Sometimes I feel
Like my only friend
Is the city I live in
The city of angels
Lonely as I am
Together we cry
I drive on her streets
'Cause she's my companion
I walk through her hills
'Cause she knows who I am
She sees my good deeds
And she kisses me windly
I never worry
Now that is a lie
I don't ever want to feel
Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way
It's hard to believe
That there's nobody out there
It's hard to believe
That I'm all alone
At least I have her love
The city she loves me
Lonely as I am
Together we cry
I don't ever want to feel
Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way
Under the bridge downtown
Is where I drew some blood
Under the bridge downtown
I could not get enough
Under the bridge downtown
Forgot about my love
Under the bridge downtown
I gave my life away
Which is a song about heroin addiction covered by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I'm not an heroin addict but it this song is one of the most important songs in my life. I haven't listened to it for about 4 years but since I split up with my girlfriend I've rediscovered it. The lyrics seem suicidal but the melody is so bittersweet that they make me want to live... The song's from Blood Sugar Sex Magik, I also recommend Californication, another excellent RHCP album. Get it from amazon.com.
I guess you want to know what iced means, well iced basically means having a person of the opposite sex who you find attractive and would like to introduce yourself to, telling you to go and find religion (or suchlike), that's "iced personally" or having fate intervene so stop you introducing yourself, "iced by God". Iced is another one of those words that I've made up. Lets see if it appears in coms in the next year or so...
The events I mention in the post of the 6th... basically I got iced personally about 4 times and iced by God another 3 times. Either I was told to go away or a) the girls boyfriend turned up, b) she left, or c) she started talking to another guy, before I reached her (seconds before). Funny thing is that in the case of a), it turned out he wasn't her boyfriend, and case b) came into effect when I realised this, in the pure case b), she came back and left quickly, in case c) she told the guy to exit her proximity violently after which b) came into effect. That basically means I got double iced by God.
Dustin-centric universe theory can wait... I don't want to alienate my readers (viewers?)...
6 September 1999 early morning
Went to a disco Saturday, got iced about 8 times. I'll describe these events in full when my bad mood (and headache leaves me). Also I decided to eventually write up my view of the Dustin-centric character of the universe... when my head stops aching.
2 September 1999
I've often though about this in the past. If I were capable of copying my entire essence (mind/memory/soul etc.) into another body or into a machine, would I have achieved immortality and would I still fear death?
I don't believe I would have achieved immortality because I had simply copied myself, at the moment of death, the dying self was different from the continuing one (as result of differing experiences, thoughts etc.).
I believe that the person who wrote this differs from the one who typed this. Its a question of continuous thought (which is probably why I am terrified of losing consciousness completely. I've only been knocked out a couple of times... in hospital and once when I drank too much).
1 September 1999
Maybe I should change the name of this page to Dustin's Comics Page. I just received 18 DC Judge Dredd comics from 1994-1996. They're not very good. They remind me of Robin or Batman or Superman or other DC comics.
Their version of Dredd has many faults:
a) Joe Dredd has become a robot. No wonder the US audience didn't warm to a character lacking the UK Dredd's dark humor, wisdom and harsh but fair attitude. Dredd is dedicated to the law, he lives it, but ultimately he's a sympathetic figure, he dispenses law for the good of people of his Mega City One. In the DC version, Dredd has become a simple law machine. I can't imagine the DC Dredd ordering expensive treatment for a girl who had been disfigured in a terrible accident simply because he felt sorry for her. I can't imagine the DC Dredd keeping secret an alien planets enormous wealth simply to keep that from being devastated by human prospectors. I CAN imagine the DC Dredd bringing back the Judge Child (a kid who would have destroyed Mega City One) despite his own misgivings about the child, simply because he had been ordered to bring the kid back.
b) The stories lack humor and atmosphere. Imagine Batman (in my opinion a humorless comic) without the cast of deeply interesting characters like Alfred or Gordon Brown or the interesting villains and you'll understand what I mean. Judge Dredd was always a combination of humorous futuristic backgrounds, dry wit from Dredd and devastating action. The action's there in the DC comics but the humour, atmosphere and wit aren't.
c) The legal system in the DC Dredd is a nightmare. Dredd's law was always harsh but he'd never give somebody 50 years for crashing their car (no deaths...). Dredd isn't supposed to go around executing people or sentencing them to 120 years all the time...
d) The key supporting characters in the DC Dredd are all either incompetent policemen or slightly foolish Judges. There are no interesting villains or normal citizens.
e) Any Dredd-based comic that turns Fargo (the Father of Justice) into a thin old man with psychotic and power-mad ambitions is heresy.
f) On two occasions Dredd takes his helmet off and his face is visible (as a cadet and after a workout)!!! Dredd's face?!!!! That's breaking an unwritten rule about us never seeing his face...
g) DC of course has to split the Dredd stories up to create a continuous epic story, each part following on from the previous... (despite the scenery and characters all changing).
h) The only things that Dredd seems to say are "creep", "I am the LAW" and "50 years". I don't ever remembering Dredd say "I am the LAW" in the original comics, well at least he didn't go around chanting it like a mantra all the time.
The only story I really enjoyed was the last issue (#18) where Dredd fights maddened Simon Bisley fans ("Frag" this creep - says Dredd). The two pics of a Lobo character being sent to jail are priceless...
31 August late evening
Vengeance! Destruction! Annihilation! FRAGRENDKILLDESTROY!!
I 've just seen something incredibly tacky. Some pseudo-band called A-Teen has released an ABBA cover called Super-trouper. The kids looks 12 each. The girls are mouthing to ABBA lyrics, I will not believe that they're singing the song, if it's not ABBA remixed then some artists are singing for them. The kids are ugly and they can't dance. I like ABBA and this is just disgraceful, some goddamn pseudo-band just nicked their entire song and released under their name to media-hype.
Yeah and I hate Puff Daddy as well. These guy just steals the best samples out of classic songs and then pretends to rap over these samples. I realise that the average teenager has no musical education at all, they haven't heard rock, punk or hip-hop classics, which is why Puff can steal from Led Zeppelin, the Police and any other band he likes without his audience knowing that his songs are based on other artists' classic riffs. I don't mind sampling but not when the whole song is based around a sample used basically in its original context (sometimes in the same arrangement as the original) without any original musical effort being made. I really do hate him, I can't stand any of his songs. He's built his career around media-hype, expensive videos and the greed of classic artists, who want to cash in on their old songs (sorry Page and Sting, but its true). And he can't rap. James Brown, Tupac and Busta Rhymes can rap. You can't Daddy. Die Daddy, Daddy. You'll be forgotten in two years time so enjoy it will you can.
Oh how I can long for the days when they used to play "Every step you take" and "Kashmir" on the radio instead of Daddy. Same applies to his every stolen song. I may just buy his CDs and set up a page detailing where and from whom he stole everything (no doubt his lawyers have been careful in detailing the samples in super small print somewhere in the CD inlays).
Same applies for the most popular songs I hear coming from the radio. They all seem to be remixes of classic songs of the 80's. Does nobody compose original stuff anymore? The only band that hasn't been ripped off yet is probably Metallica. Rap and techno songs are especially guilty of being rip offs. I can't stand to watch MTV because I hear a classic riff or movement and then suddenly some teeny-whopper or pseudo-rapper voice kicks in. My predictions for the next rip-offs are the Rolling Stones and 80's pop bands like Wham, Duran Duran, Culture Beat....
Oh and all boy bands are terrible. Their songs are all the same, they have no singing or musical ability (their voices all go through mixing computers to improve and clean up their vocals or somebody else simply sings for them and they couldn't play an instrument [or run a mixing desk] to save their lives). Notice how the songs are structured to give each little git a chance to "sing" solo for the benefit of the girl audience that his style is targeted at? Also notice, that the songs are all about how the band is cool or about how they love you, girl.
Girl bands aren't much better though they probably have better voices. That girl band (All Saints) that ripped off Under the Bridge (which was a cover of an older track by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, their cover was better than the original and differed...) will be terminated with extreme prejudice. (Yeah, I'm hiring Lobo to do it).
End of rant. FOR NOW!
31 August 1999
Did you know that Hotmail's security had been breached? Good that I use a couple of Hotmail accounts as spambait...
What happened today?
Nothing much, except I got a signed piece of original Lobo art by Val Seimeks by post (BTW the actual background isn't yellow). Pity the seller on Ebay stitched me up on the postage ($6 stamp, $20 stated postage charge).
I had some clever thoughts prepared for today but I'm a bit too depressed to recite them. Why am I depressed, maybe because I'm in love (which I am not)...
30 August 1999
Today was a good day as in today:
a) I bought a cool new cell phone for almost free ($150). Its really a 386 processor with a phone, display and keyboard built around it.
b) I met a lawyer boss who was the complete opposite of most of those that I met at my previous place of work, which is high compliment indeed. I hope I'm like her in the future.. funny thing is that the image I presented to her personally was not as much like her as I really am...
c) I retuned my acoustic guitar and played some chords.
Unfortunately event d) didn't happen, first person to send an email detailing correctly what didn't happen to this address, gets a prize, I'll send you a Lobo comic no matter where you live.
I'm thinking about running a pro-wrestling PBeM game which will be slightly less fake than the real thing. If you're interested, you know my email address :-).
Forgive the crude language of today's ruminations, my head hurts...
29 August 1999
Interested in reading a work of fiction? Try here, it's rather long and at times tedious but still you might be interested in it.
Once you've finished with that piece of political fiction, try this fantasy piece instead. It's the beginning of a book I'm supposed to be writing. Mail me and tell me what you think of it. I may finish the book if the comments are positive enough...
Anyway, I had 3 small beers yesterday and my stomach's still in turmoil. That really annoys me. It ruins the fun evening I had. It's been a week now and I'm still not feeling well. Tomorrow might be quite an interesting day for me so log on tomorrow to find out more...
Rumination for the day: Ever had the feeling that God's throwing an opportunity at you, but you for some reason (cowardice or lack of self-confidence) throw that opportunity away (by ignoring it). I've had that happen a couple of times. Must be a result of my being incredibly shy. Lack of self-confidence is perhaps my worst trait...alongside laziness.
Oh yeah, well done Baz, you can join the genius club :-).
27 August 1999
I've been reading Omega Men comics today. I feel a little culture shocked. These comics are from 1983, a time when DC printed on very poor quality paper (by today's standards) and the drawing styles (and coloring) were crude to say the least.
The Omega Men revolve around a space-opera theme. Funnily enough, the theme and characters make a lot more sense despite their age than most of the modern rubbish that DC and Marvel churn out. Instead of having multiple massive cross-overs every issue, huge fights between heroes and lots of senseless violence without anyone getting hurt, in Omega Men, the heroes die or are crippled and civilians are nuked, hanged, tortured and raped. In what other comic of the period would you see an image of rows of rebels hanging from a mass gallows...
Sure, some of the lines are corny and the science is non-existent but its readable (and I was reading Knighfall yesterday...).
Just in case you didn't know, Lobo makes his debut in Omega Men #3, but he isn't named in it (#5 "Lobo"). The first printed fan letter about Lobo is from a Mr. P.R. Dejean, Esq, President of the Official Fred G. Hembeck Fan Club (who?) complaining about Lobo "executing" ("murdering" is actually a better word) a caricature of Hembeck (who??). He calls Lobo a "mindless mercenary". He should be glad that a figure as famous as Lobo has done the unknown (he's unknown because I haven't heard of him and I've heard of Lobo. If you know who Mr. Hembeck is, email me), Mr. Hembeck a favor. Forever shall Mr. Hembeck be known as Lobo's first comic kill. Hmm. Do I sound like a psycho here?
Ah, but getting back to the culture-shock. I just realised, how lucky I am to live in the last days of the 90's. Flicking through those comics and their advertisements reminds me of the bad old days (which I barely remember) when tacky digital game watches cost $30 (and they still do, except now they're called "Episode I Jedi Battle" watches, instead of "Blaster!" watches. The electronics inside those little pieces of junks has hardly changed over the last 16 years looking at their pathetic display screens) and the only computers for home use where Atari's (with their terrible rubber joysticks. I actually had one of them for my Atari ST - a massively more powerful computer than the Atari video game consoles. In fact I sometimes feel that my overclocked Celeron 416 is barely an advance over my Atari, Harpoon still runs slowly). But anyway, remember the 80's, meager computers, poor clothes styles, awful hairstyles, damn I'm getting nostalgic...
SNAP OUT OF IT!!
Am I glad I'm here and not back there?
Yes I am... not least because I was 7 in 1983.
26 August 1999
Woke up in the morning (roused by the doorbell) feeling absolutely terrible. Really awful. Hadn't slept well and I had to get up early (10:30 am :-), which is early if you go to bed at 4:00am). I knew it was going to be a terrible day as I scrambled to my door. It was the postman. With two packages containing... 120 comics! Yeah!! I only had 30 mins to flick through them before going out for an appointment but just as I was leaving, I get a phone-call, appointment time changed to 5. Yeah!!! Three phone-calls later, appointment moved to another day, which meant, all-day comics for me!!!! A dream come true. I didn't even work on my thesis though I should finish it soon (it's at 93 pages, 120,000 characters, another 10 pages or so to go),
Anyway, I got Aliens, Predators, Judge Dredd, Omega Men and Lobo's. The Predators were surprisingly good, unfortunately the Aliens were stereotypic (Rogue, Genocide, Aliens, Labyrinth, Stronghold, Tribes). They almost all involved space stations run by a maniac who wanted to control the Aliens for some insane reason. That motive gets boring after the while and there were no strong characters apart from Zeri the cigar-chewing, wise-cracking Synthetic Alien in Stronghold.
Once again, check out Amazon.com or Amazon.co.uk if you want the trade-paperbacks at minimal fuss. Otherwise for distribution comics (and TP's) head for Kochcom.com or New Dimension Comics and say Dustin recommended them. Or contact Key Comics or Phil's Comic Shoppe, once again they are recommended by Dustin Du Cane. Read my disclaimer.
Rumination for today? Ever noticed that sci-fi and to a greater degree fantasy books are despite their target audience rarely written intelligently? The writing styles are often stale and simply narrative (workman-like descriptions of characters, histories, actions and landscape), no attempt is made to get the reader's brain working. These novels are often the equivalent of soap-operas such as Dynasty, Dallas or the Rich and the Beautiful, except instead of millionaires and seductive blonds, they involve wizards and seductive warrior-princesses. Of course there are exceptions, like Raymond E. Feist's or R.A. Salvatore's earlier works. Of course Tolkien is king, we all love Tolkien, we all love Bilbo, we all feel sorry for Gollum, I hate Frodo.
BTW I positively despise Harry Turtledove. I don't have the strength to rant about him today, so I'll save myself the pleasure of doing so for a later occasion.
25 August 1999 (late evening)
I received my recent order from Amazon.co.uk today and among other items (i.e. Neal Stephenson's Cobweb - co-authored with another author and some miscellaneous fantasy books), an excellent graphic novel - Nikolai Dante - the Romanow Dynasty. I think if I can get my hands on more works about this Dante fellow he'll become my favourite comic book character (currently its Lobo or Judge Dredd, if you didn't know that already). He likes women, drinking and fighting (like Lobo). He sticks up for the underdog (unlike Lobo) and is pretty much fearless (Lobo is just fearless, understandable since he's immortal). The background universe is a lot more interesting than the Marvel one (a revived Russian empire created by mafia clans, a Byzantine air of intrigue combined with high technology) and Dante isn't going to take a bop on the nose from Wolverine (unlike Lobo who got trounced by Wolf-boy in a Marvel/DC crossover). Anyway, I'll take a look on Ebay if anyone's selling Dante items. Buy Dante from Amazon.co.uk, he's unavailable from Amazon.com.
25 August 1999
One of the greatest myths of the II World War is that the Dieppe operation in 1942 was a failed raid/invasion, who's only positive aspect was that it showed Stalin that the Western Allies weren't ready to make a major incursion into the European mainland at that time.
Almost every book or documentary repeats the above. After watching another Discovery program, I decided to set the facts straight (at least among those who'll read this page).
The aim of the Dieppe operation was to capture a German radar station and radar equipment. This aspect of the raid was extremely secret, the whole raid was built around this aim, as smokescreen to cover this strategically extremely important aspect. Even the soldiers who survived the raid were not informed of the true aim of their mission, they believed they had failed (and lost many friends doing so). In fact the raid was a total success in the sense that the radar station was captured, along with its equipment, allowing Allied technicians insight into German radar technology. This in turn increased the survivability of Allied aircraft in occupied Europe...
All the above I read about in a book about the 1939-1945 intelligence war. Unfortunately I can't remember the title currently, the book's been packed away in a box but when I find it, I'll put the title on this page ("The Secret War"? A book written entirely on the basis of original and recently declassified documents).
Oh, I am still slightly poisoned but I'm beginning to feel better.
25 August 1999 (early morning)
I'm still poisoned but now I've bought some medicine and am attempting to cure myself (with some success it seems). Anyway, my feverish mind grasps many concepts that I don't remember a minute later. One thing I've been thinking about is the phrase "words are thoughts". That isn't exactly true, words allow the mind to precise concepts but they also cage and restrain those concepts to standardised forms.
I often find myself thinking thoughts that can't be expressed in thoughts (most often when I'm considering some bizarre legal or scientific proposition). I manipulate the concepts around in my mind without trying to express them in words. Unfortunately when it comes to expressing or conveying those concepts, the unfortunately tight framework of language can distort those words. However one mark of intelligence is being able to communicate your thoughts clearly. Actually I have pleasure in translating my thoughts into words, I like speaking and writing... but I wouldn't like to think in words all the time.
Anyway, enough of that. I was watching Discovery today again. There was a WWII documentary about U-boats. I especially liked the images of German siege guns firing to the commentary about U-boats attacking the Allied Normandy invasion fleet. Seems they can't match their images to their commentary. Isn't there a lot of WWII imagery for just about any battle scene?
24 August 1999 (early morning)
Ouch, the Superduster file doesn't want to go up. I think my home server is refusing to accept as it exceeds my website max size. I might have to fry some other parts of my website to put the mp3 up. I don't really want to do that. Be warned, link doesn't work for now. Maybe somebody has some web space to allow me to put the file up?
Anyway, here I am, head still hurting (41 hours after party end), watching TV. I don't know if any of you watch Discovery Europe. It's an interesting channel but it seems to contradict itself. It discusses complex issues, however its coverage of these issues is often very shallow, I often find that its contradictory to what I know is the state of the art or if I'm not completely familiar with an issue, I can find internal paradoxes and obvious errors in the commentaries on other issues. It expresses ecological views in narrator monologues (to images of nature) but then switches to images of warfare. About half of the programs are about wars and machines, the other half are either directly or indirectly about the effect of man's inventions (wars and machines?) on the natural environment.
One thing that had me chuckling today was a special documentary about the capture of Berlin in 1945 by Russian troops. The narrator was talking about a massive long-range bombardment of Berlin by Russian artillery, however most of the images were of anti-tank and infantry guns firing at extreme short range (i.e. direct fire).
23 August 1999
Hmm. Went to a party on Saturday, my stomach still hurts today (Monday). Anyway, I've been lying in bed poisoned and reading comics for the intervening period. One of the favourite comics in my collection is "Ghost in the Shell" by Masamune Shirow. Its excellently drawn, humorous and quite intelligent. Plus its fast-moving compared to other manga where it takes 20 pages of drawings to show one minor fight scene. The funny thing is that one of my favourite albums uses the "Ghost in the Shell" film in a video. The album is "Stripped to the Bone" by Sly and Robbie, its basically a collection of minimalised bass and guitar riffs with simple beats and other rhythms. The other funny thing is that a while ago I made my own lengthened mix of my favourite song from the album, "Superthruster". My current version is called Superduster v3 (v2 has a different bass beat), you can download it here if your software can read mp3 files. BTW copyright to the song belongs originally to Palm Pictures and I am not making any claim to that copyright. Buy the original album, it really is excellent, I'm simply supplying my mix of one song. As far as the comic, video, albums and films are concerned, you can get them here from Amazon.com or Amazon.co.uk (no, I'm not using this page to earn money, just showing people how they can sample the things that interest and entertain me). BTW the "Ghost in the Shell" film is also excellent, the comic is however quite a bit longer and possibly even better... Then again I prefer to read rather than watch.
21 August 1999
Who do I want to be? Hell, I want to be a hacker. A law hacker. Everyone (or most people) hates lawyers. Most lawyers I've met don't realise law is a science which can be reduced to a set of conditions and equations. Law is like maths or physics, initial conditions and functions are the key to it. Take condition A, put it through function B and you get new condition C. Condition A= your car get smashed by a drunken driver. Function B=is the law that says drunken drivers pay for the damage they cause. Condition C=formerly drunken driver buys you a new car. That's all that law is, conditions and functions. In law, words are the equivalent of numbers and symbols in mathematics or physics, to be a good lawyer you have to be a wordsmith and your mind has to be able to crunch equations efficiently
I don't believe that to be a good lawyer you have to wear a suit, smile and kiss clients'... Its brain quality that counts. At the rates lawyers charge they should be among the smartest people out there, working with absolute precision and care. The simple fact is that they don't. Most lawyers minds don't work with precision, they use jargon to hide ignorance. Since words are the keys to legal equations, lawyers mistakes are not as blazingly obvious as a mathematicians or physicists (though here complex symbols and equations make finding a mistake very difficult in some cases). That and the fact that you can always blame the judge, makes it very easy for a lawyer to avoid responsibility when he does a sloppy job. I believe in always doing an excellent job. However, under one condition, that the client will appreciate that excellent job, because if he doesn't care, neither do I.
I once had my sound card removed from my computer at a law firm because they didn't believe a lawyer should listen to music while working. Yeah, like it makes a difference. Actually it does make a difference, while listening to Cypress Hill my IQ goes up by about 10 (or more) points and I can concentrate better.
What's a law hacker? Well that's another phrase I've invented (the first is "commer" BTW). It means somebody who strips law down to its basic components and then manipulates it to reach the results they want. When I say manipulate, I mean use it and it was intended to be used ("utilise"). Find the equation that reaches the result required, without using tools that have no place in pure law (coercion, direct or indirect corruption, threats or intimidation, falsification of documents or facts, nepotism and cronyism). I've seen example of all these tools being used.
You may be wondering why all this is written using a WYSIWG editor. Well, there's a simple reason for that, I don't have the time to code by hand. Sometimes I'll just clean the code up, but for now I'll just keep on typing. Do you like the white background?
Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you I hate Java and plugins. The Net's for disseminating information, not for looking cute and modern. Functionality is my watchword for today. My pet hate currently are pages that don't scroll because the idiot who programmed the corp website is too stupid to realise that some people use different size fonts and he wants the site to look exactly the same on each browser which it won't because people use different size fonts. Sheez. My almost favourite author, Neal Stephenson has a cool website. No java, no pics, no fancy HTML, just brainpower.
