Dustin's Ruminations

This page is an experiment in self-expression. Basically its going to be full of my thoughts and feelings. That is if I can get my lazy ass to do the update work necessary to keep it going. Call it a channel into my subconscious. One thing I hope will happen is that believe who know me will read this page and find out what I'm really thinking, who I really am. Call it an electro-diary, or "ediary" in the pseudo-cyber commer slang that's beginning to inhabit the web (or has taken it over...). Mail me at dustin@dustin.icenter.pl with intelligent comments. INTELLIGENT please! Oh, I'll be sticking up hyperlinks where I can be bothered. If you don't know who I am at all, then head here. Actually I hope that this page will eclipse all other parts of my website in readability. But then again more people are interested in "It's Like That" desktop themes than the ruminations of a frustrated (but happy to be alive) young man. 

Bookmark this page (or add to Favorites) because it really does get updated often.

Oh yeah, "late evening" means I'm writing after 2am, early morning means after 4am on the day after the date given. I do have a slightly vampiric life-style :-).

Please also visit my music and short story sites.

17 February

I AM CHANGING ISP. THIS PAGE WILL NOT BE UPDATED HERE. PLEASE HEAD FOR www.dustin.icenter.pl/ruminations

13 february

The day before Valentine's Day. St Valentine's Day to be precise. So, what ruminations wouldst I share with thou?

a) Don't bother to do anything special on Valentine's Day that you wouldn't do just so on any day of the year simply because you love her.

b) Do something really special on any day of the year, when she doesn't expect it, simply because you love her.

If Valentine's Day isn't that special because every day can be special, then you're making her happy all the time...Alright do something just that little bit more special. But let it not be in marked contrast with the rest of the year because that contrast will work against you in the end... Flowers are for life, not for Valentine's Day. And be original, if want to then propose on the anniversary of the day you met her, or your (joint) first kiss or the day she told you she loved you, an anniversary that you don't share with anyone else...

c) If you going to be a generic present, a token of your love, do something special with it.

11 February 

Somehow I've managed to survive the last couple of days of loneliness...

Anyway, I'm reading Paul Johnson's "A History of the Jews". An excellent book, especially where it concerns Jesus and how "he dismissed the Law [Torah] when it impeded, rather than assisted, the road to God". Johnson argues quite convincingly (for me) that Jesus allowed the universalisation of Judaism, by stripping it of all but moral and ethical elements (circumcision, contact and cleanliness law, etc were discarded), leaving behind the core of "What is hateful to you, do not unto your neighbour", which BTW is a quote from Jesus AND Hillel the Elder, a moderate religious teacher who Jesus may have studied under.

That's a rule that I try follow in life...it can be applied to all circumstances and makes certain decisions easier.. 

Funny. I wonder what the appeal of drunken, senseless violence is.

6 February

Gonna see my beloved within a week. He.

5 Febuary

My beloved's away in Italy. Which means I'm bored and depressed. I've had a bad, boring, bruising weekend. Managed to start my first flame war for a year, partly my fault. I'm feeling very low (a total lack of self esteem) for the first time since New Year's Eve. He. But I have hope, I'll start teaching soon and my beloved will eventually come back.

I bought some computer stuff, a 17' monitor, a 30 GB disk and a CDrecorder, cost me the equivalent of a snowboarding holiday but hell, I needed the stuff (the difference in picture quality is immense, I had a faulty monitor that was ruining my eyes). Unfortunately I still have to buy a graphics card and upgrade my mainboard, processor and memory. BTW if anyone's interested in a CD of my tracks (18 tracks, 71 mins!), you can check them out here, drop me a line, I'm selling them cheap (the Mp3.com one's are made using mp3's and have lower quality sound).

Been playing Mechwarrior 4. There's a serious problem with the game for Voodoo 2 owners, it'll run fine directly after each install but will run not run again afterwards (it reports hardware / configuration errors). I figured out the workaround, simply reinstall every time you want to play (uninstall the game, then reinstall it), which is a bitch but at least you can play. Can't say its a very difficult game, I finished it over the weekend. I've also been playing Call to Power II, a mixture of Civilization and Alpha Centauri, its much better than the original which was a slap in the face and downright insult for Civ fans, its one of the few games that gets slammed in reviews but is actually quite good. Finished it easily on medium level of course. The only games I really have trouble with are ones that require arcade skills and very fast reflexes, ie Tony Hawks Pro Skateboarder 2, a fun game that really pisses me off because it can't be mastered using brain power alone.

Has the quality of my writing decreased BTW? Also did I mention my recent depression, paranoia, lack of self esteem? 

26 january 

Spent the day reading Irvine Welsh and listening to Underworld. His very short stories are better than the longer ones...

25 january

Came back from a short trip to Krakow (Cracov) today. Spent my time in bed, drinking tea, shopping or on trains... It was all very pleasant.

I'm basically in shock about how much another person can resemble me and at fate which has thrown us together. Wow. So don't expect to read anything sensible here for a while.

2 new tracks (remixes actually but very different to each other) going up on mp3.com (expect to see them up in a day or so), pretty good by all accounts. My musical fertility rather surprises me.

Been reading Irvine Welsh...hmm...Iain (without the M.) Banks is a better modern novelist, I don't like the Joycesian pretenstion in Welsh's work (the dialogue should be in incoherent slang but the narrative?)

I'm also listening to Underworld which nicely ties into the Welsh novels (they did some tracks to the film version of Trainspotting which by the way is very different from the book and perhaps superior...)

21 january

Had a very pleasant evening yesterday (the best couple of days in my life, no stress, just pure pleasure since Wednesday) though I've got a slight flu today. No hangover as I didn't drink much, just tired and a bit weakly. I'm very happy with the way my life's going now, so I haven't got anything worthwhile (i.e. bitterly honest or depressingly lucid) to write. 

18 january

Anyway, I'll be 25 on Saturday. Somehow that doesn't bother me much. I've had a good life up to now, haven't wasted too much of it, don't regret too many things.

Oh yeah, live your life as if you would die tomorrow. For some day it will be true.

I'll probably have something more intelligent to write on Saturday though I hope I won't end up in front of my computer. 

17 January (early morning)

Hehehe. Things are looking up. Wine, MTV, finished at 4:30 am. Thank God. 

Say move sucka,

Say jam sucka,

Say groove sucka,

Say dance sucka.

Put up some new tracks on my mp3.com site, Clone Beat and Funk Werewolf. Clone Beat is not as good as Tech Blade IMHO but seems to be more popular. Oh well.

14 january (early morning)

Very pleasant evening. Bar. Walkie. Snow. Bench. Etc. Intellectual synchronicity, telepathy, clone?

12 january

Feel like a bit of a jerk today (spent the evening with friends of my ex), don't really know why. Anyway...

10 January

IMPORTANT. Please read this excerpt from the Notebooks of Lazarus Long. Might be the most important thing you'll ever read. And might make a prince out of you.

9 january

I did a mix of Stan (instrumental) by Eminem and Dido and Tears in the Rain from the Blade Runner soundtrack (Vangelis). Get it while its hot, it won't be up for long...Stan's Tears.

7 January 2001

New Willenium

My tea's gone cold, I wondering why I got out of bed at all,
The morning rain clouds up my window and I can't see at all,
And even if I could it'd all be grey, but your picture on my wall,
It reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad,
I drank too much last night, got bills to pay, my head just feels in pain,
I missed the bus and there'll be hell today, I'm late for work again,
And even if I'm there, they'll all imply that I might not last the day,
And then you call me and it's not so bad, it's not so bad and
I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life,
Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life,
Push the door, I'm home at last and I'm soaking through and through,
Then you handed me a towel and all I see is you,
And even if my house falls down now, I wouldn't have a clue,
Because you're near me and I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life,
Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life.

Which is basically what I experienced tonight after returning from France.

As far as the boarding holiday in France was concerned:

a) our car broke down in Switzerland (extremely expensive),

b) I caught my cousin's flu virus (I was in bed on the best boarding day possible),

c) we almost had to pay an enormous electricity bill,

d) we repaired a radiator with screws removed from various items of furniture in our apartment,

e) we had our tyres punctured by vengeful locals in a beautfiul French mountain town,

f) a French bastiche stole one of our snowboards,

g) I had a really weird New Year's Eve. Beautiful. Unbearably light despair turns into infinitely light hopefulness. No hangover as well :-)

Visit this page BTW, strangely reminiscent of my own.

Oh yeah, it was really fun to find an email from Jason Nevins in my mailbox today. And getting the first real rumination reader emails was almost as pleasant. Thanks Sandee.

28 december

Hmm. So what's going on around here? Anyway, keep your fingers crossed for me.

26 december (early morning)

I'll be going snowboarding on the 29th until the 7th so prepare yourselves for a lack of new ruminations for a while. I have one request for fate: Don't f*** with me during that time or soon afterwards.

24 december 

My Christmas wish for my readers: Be happy with somebody.

Your wish for me? Guess, first correct answer gets a gift voucher to amazon.co.uk :-)

Oh and my rumination for today: There are so many girls in this world. And so few princesses. And so few princes for the princesses. So if you find a princess, act like a prince, slay that dragon, kill that ogre, defeat the black knight and kiss the sleeping beauty. Don't let the nobility die out.

22 december (early morning)

Please, please, please God.

And thank you for this life.

For ruminations readers, if you're going to a pissup, leave everything valuable at home (especially rings/bracelets etc that you may have received from a girlfriend), take ONE credit card, dress warm, eat a lot beforehand, drink a portion of Smecta (a stomach medicine that protects your stomach from alcohol), don't mix drinks, don't get involved in fights, don't steal anything or behave aggresively in any way (if you can't control yourself from total idiocy when drunk then you shouldn't drink at all.)

That's what I did and I survived something that even a college binger would have had problems with. Virtually no headache even though I was drunk for the next 24 hours. Though I don't advise drinking under any circumstances. Really.  

19 december (early morning)

An hour can really change your mood. And give you new hope.

18 december (early morning)

I used to be able to sing:

My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why I got out of bed
at all the morning rain clouds up my window and I can't see
at all. And even if I could it'd all be grey, but your picture
on my wall it reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad.

But now I can't, I just want it all painted black. New tune on www.mp3.com/dustinducane in memory of something that almost was but wasn't.

17 december (early morning)

Why does my hurt feel so bad?

Why does my soul feel so bad?

You should be able to guess why. Anyway, the above is from Moby's Why Does My Hurt Feel So Bad and below you'll find lyrics from Fun Lovin' Criminals Mimosa tracks: I couldn't get it right, Shining Star and I'm not in love.

16 december

13 december

Some new acid jazz can be found at www.mp3.com/dustinducane . 

One thing I'd like to ruminate about... why the hell are you guys out there behaving like girls? Have your mothers all spoiled you or is the pollution affecting your Y chromosomes?

I'm asking because recently four female friends of mine have split up with their boyfriends (definitely):

a) one came round to his ex's one night, got drunk and started shouting that if she can screw around, then so can he... which taking into account the fact that he's got one friend and he's not a girl is highly unlikely..., oh, of course he's changed, he's different, etc...the question is if he's changed than how come he's behaving exactly as he used to...

b) another can't cope with the fact that his ex girl-friend doesn't want him to have behave like her husband,

c) another is begging his ex to return to him, he's been a fool and now he's much wiser (see a) apart from the fact that c) has been sleeping around and isn't as much of a jerk IMHO), still I don't believe him,

d) one psycho is going around telling people that the girl (not even an ex in the true sense of the word since they only slept together a couple of times and weren't really an item)is his girlfriend. Now that is simply insane behaviour, schizophrenic - by repeatedly saying something you hope that it will become real (or you self-delude yourself), oh a) also seems to have this problem.

Both a) and d) seem to be obsessive and I'm worried about the girls involved.

Anyway, peeps, here are my thoughts on the matter:

a) Don't split up if you don't want to. Don't just split up to see how things will turn out, don't have a trial separation, it won't work, one of you will go out and have fun (see c) , the other will brood and hope and then you've got a problem. Which leads nicely into b)

b) When its over, its over. Things end because of problems and unless both of you change then the problems will stop you from being together happily. And people don't change. They think or lie that they've changed but the old habits (its habits that pissed your ex off...) creep back. 

c) Go out there and find someone else. The best therapy. Simple and easy. But don't use or hurt that person and don't be desperate. Quality not quantity. And you'll survive without sex, you're not an animal, you don't have a mating season.

d) Be a man. Have a nice cry on the day you split up. Then on the next day get drunk with your best friend. Talk about it. Cry about it. Whiskey and coke works wonders loosening your tongue. Beer is more depressive in my experience. Get it all out, you'll feel much better. Then never ever phone your ex or visit them. Send them and their family birthday and seasonal greeting (Hannaka :-) cards. Ever time you see or talk to them you'll have a cold dagger stuck into your intestines... and you'll want to throw up... and you'll be nervous and won't make sense. Unless you've already found somebody else to love, in which case you can phone or visit BUT NEVER EVER SLEEP WITH THEM AGAIN. Because you'll suffer double jeopardy, she won't return to you but you'll be in love again and your current will find out...

9 december (early morning)

Hmm. What a bad day.

Today:

a) I was manhandled by a handsome, tall, well dressed piece of c*** in a bar and had him offer to smash my glasses in when I politely reprimanded him. Now, I've stared in the barrel of a gun and faced off 3 muggers without fear and I'm not scared of any idiot in a leather jacket. But I didn't throw a bar stool at his head and smash his perfect nose in because he's not worth my future career.

b) I was nuked emotionally. I don't even want to mention any of the sordid details. These events just confirmed what I know about the world.

c) Some 13 year old from the US wrote in and told me that after reading these ruminations he has reached the conclusion that "ur too vain and u love yourself 2 much" or suchlike. This confirms my belief that Americans don't understand the meaning of irony, that teens in the US shouldn't have internet access and that auto-ironic, self-deprecating arrogance is a worthwhile therapeutic and exploratory communicative medium since the only people who can understand are those who are worthy of  understanding it and whose comments are worthwhile.

d) Another piece of c*** wanted to fight a friend of mine at a party. Now this piece of c*** really deserves a kicking but I held my friend behind because he's also not worth it (my friend is also a lawyer).

e) I composed another acid jazz tune.

And I wonder, if God has given me an almost perfect life (money, brains, character), why hasn't he given me a perfect (love, looks, self-confidence) one?

8 december (early morning)

Argh, f*** this s***. So what, who cares? Paint it black. Boy, am I f***** up today. I see a red door and I want it painted black. No colours anymore, I want them painted black. Damn. Darn. Dastardly fate. I really am in an awful mood. Why the hell do I have to go through this? 

Anyway, I massacred most of my website today, good riddance Run DMC and PGII. And I got annihilated emotionally but that doesn't matter a damn, does it? 

7 december (early morning)

I just wrote something incredibly vicious and ugly. This one goes out to the one I love.

7 December (early morning)

One of my fervent hopes is that one day these ruminations will be circulated in electronic or print form to the intellectual masses who will pore (BTW there was recently a BBC World news flash where instead of "pore" they used "pour", "poor" editing...) over these ruminations as excellent examples of post-modern, late generation X, post-teenage rambling and discontent. Yeah, I bet. 

Anyway, I'm writing this to express my belief that life is a bitch and that I'll never be with the person I should be with. Perhaps because I shouldn't be with that person. Because if I was ideal for that person, I would be with that person. Quod est demonstratum. Logic is also a bitch.

If during the next 6 months I:

a) have one of my songs on the airwaves,

b) have one of my stories appear in print form or is critically recognised,

c) have my love repricocated,

I'll buy a crate of beer for my most fervent rumination readers. And why don't you ever write to me, this page gets at least a dozen hits a day and none of you tell me that it sucks!

3 december (late evening)

A friend of mine told me that I'll never find a girl if I can't express love properly (following some comments about a soppy romantic Hollywood movie). Well to prove her partly wrong, I composed a tune today called "Nobody will love you like I did (could)". I believe that my future wife (if I ever have one), will be glad of my love. I'll put it up on mp3.com etc later...

2 december (early morning)

Jesus. Rumination: Why is it that I have the most fun when I behave like a SOB. Or rather like a samurai pseudo-honorable SOB. I went to a nightclub today though I knew my ex was there and that I would probably freak out totally. Fortunately I freaked positively thanks to two random occurances. Thank you GOD. 

It's not the East or the West side. No it's not. It's not the North or the South Side, it's the Dark Side.

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